Today, I was supposed to take part in my stepdance group’s first (small) performance since January of 2020. But I am coming down with my youngest daughter’s cold, so I bowed out. Disappointing, but it was fun to anticipate and to practice for and there will be other opportunities (I hope).
There is one friend on Facebook, Diana, whom I still regularly interact with. Basically she is the only one. She is an unusually kind, humble, approachable, and intellectual person who holds her page, and herself, to very high standards. It’s like a Socratic classroom (with funny memes).
One of the recent memes was “Mankind wasn’t meant to work in December. We were meant to hide from wolves, drink, and pray our autumn harvest will last us through the Dark Months.”
I couldn’t agree more. I am very grateful for my job, and for the fact I have this opportunity to do something positive in the world. But at the same time, I would like nothing better than to sit on the couch and crochet for the rest of the month, and possibly well into January. Based on observations of the people around me, it’s not just me with these feelings.
I have started crocheting again, almost obsessively, after not having interest in yarn crafts for months….years? My co-teacher started a community knitting / crochet meet up group (almost by accident), and so I became involved. Then I bought a book of Harry Potter crochet patterns with the intent to inspire my eldest daughter. They are rather too complex for an absolute beginner, however, so I decided to make one, then two, from the book before giving it to her for Christmas. And so it goes. Now making deals for bootleg bargain yarn, seeing patterns in my mind…..all of it.
My co-teacher’s success with the meet-up group inspired me to try again to reach out to a church. I had tried previously but not gotten a response to my email. Maybe I used the wrong address, who knows. But since she used Facebook to start her group, I decided impulsively to try using the church’s FB page. It had not occurred to me to even try FB because I have been avoiding it mostly due to last year’s very negative experiences, discussed elsewhere. But I actually did get a response this time, and at 10pm, two minutes after I messaged (which slightly freaked me out). Apparently social media reaches everywhere.
The message was what I had been looking for, which was “you would be very welcome.” And “please ask if you have any questions!”
Do I have questions about going to a church? I mean…probably. Obviously, yes. But the only one that really matters right now is: how do I start? And this is the question I haven’t been able to answer in two years, so I keep hesitating, even though at this point there is no going back, either. Maybe it’s cliche, but I’m not totally in control of this process anymore. Something is trying to speak through me, and it’s going to keep trying, I know it is.
But the negotiations (with family) and logistical calculations to actually attend a service in person haven’t happened. (I did mention it as an intent/wish, so that’s something.) Finally, because the church I contacted does also have an online option, I tried watching parts of a prerecorded service. Again, not really what I want or imagined doing but it’s something to start with. I sort of listened to the words, but it will take a while to get used to the Orthodox chant: it sounds weird to my ear, which expects either spoken word or singing, not some hybrid of the two. But I enjoyed watching the worshippers approaching the icons, crossing themselves, each doing their thing. It looked very relaxed. And then another thought popped into my head, another “answer” to the questions I can’t even fully articulate.
I would like, one day, to be as relaxed and unself-conscious as those people when it comes to Christianity/God/the sacred. I would like it to just be a part of my verbal and non verbal language in that way. That’s what this is really about. Sure, it would be nice to have all sorts of intellectual and metaphysical insights. But I don’t have a ton of expectations there. Mostly, I want my everyday moments and experiences to be part of a system of meaning. I need the language to understand them that way. I mean, I kind of already have the understanding, or the beginnings of it; but I lack the words. And without the words, the language, I can’t take it any further.
Diana, my gifted friend, posted a very profound question the other day: “What should I give myself for Christmas?”
She went on to specify that she didn’t mean things that could be bought, but something like a commitment to adopt a habit that may be a chore day to day, but that would make her happier and more fulfilled in the long run. A permanent change in diet, to read a real book an hour every day, that sort of thing. “If you were going to give yourself such a Christmas present—assuming you regard yourself as someone you love enough to make the commitment to—what would yours be?”
Someone did point out that that it seems to be another way of asking for a New Year’s resolution, but I like this frame so much better. There is a sort of shaming involved in the New Year’s resolution, an implication that you are not currently doing enough. Which may be true, but it misses the love that Diana’s question makes explicit. Personally, I find the winter months (January/February) so challenging that I have zero motivation to push myself beyond the basics of trying to survive. Don’t even talk to me about resolutions or goals till March or April! But this idea of giving yourself a present….yes. This is a perfect question.
And I immediately knew my answers. One was yes, to try attending a church. To start. The other was to get winter tires. Which is a thing, so not exactly fulfilling the requirements of the question, but I thought of it as giving myself the gift of less stress every day.
So there you have it. Winter. Gifts. Christmas. Still working on the best Christmas gift of all, the one that will keep giving.
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