Habits

Starting during the Covid-19 era, I became a regular wine-drinker. It was never excessive, but I started having a glass of wine either with dinner or before bed, mostly every day. Previously I would only drink if going out for dinner or on holidays. The nightly glass of wine became a way to relax and mark the end of my work day, when things were weird and there was nowhere to go and nothing to celebrate. 

When life gradually went back to “normal,” or whatever you want to call it, I just kept up this habit. I came to expect that glass of wine, and I would make sure I always had some, and feel “cheated” if I ran out.  I did stop drinking for a while in the summer of 2021, but then I started again in the fall when my stress level went up.

In July of 2023 I decided I would give it up for the summer. School was out, life was good, I was doing fun things for myself like ballet and barre class, so I decided I just didn’t need this extra thing. And it was fine. And then September came and school started and it was still fine.

There is something else I think is a factor. I started listening to Fr. Stephen De Young’s podcast The Whole Counsel of God this past summer. In this podcast he goes through the Bible verse by verse and explains it.  Most nights I put on an episode or two when I crawl into bed. I look forward to it. And - this is important - there are so many episodes I don’t worry about running out. I feel like I will be listening for months and months. The Bible will just keep giving and giving; I an confident of this.

Ever since I started listening to podcasts, I have always needed them to be long. I won’t listen to anything that is less than an hour. I actually feel anxious when I see a short time. Not all of the WCofG podcasts are long, but I can play them back to back and they just keep going. It’s really like one giant podcast.

I realized something just this week. Not only am I okay without the nightly glass of wine, I don’t even want it anymore.  I don’t remember the desire going away. Just now it is. Maybe this shouldn’t surprise me but it does, in a good way. It’s so hard to change habits even when you want to. I feel lucky that k was able to change this one. 

Self control or lack of

A couple of days ago I wrote up a shopping list. Right at the top were:

• Wine
• Instant coffee

For reasons that I don’t really understand, I bought everything on the list but forgot those two things. I thought about going back for them another day, but I still haven’t.

Instant coffee is my treat of choice after my morning shower on weekdays. I actually prefer it to regular coffee if I’m the only one drinking coffee: less dishes to wash, and weaker so less likely to make me feel sick later. But still familiar and tasty and comfortingly hot. Yes, I am the complete opposite of a coffee snob. On weekends when my husband is home in the mornings, we will make and share a pot of coffee (also a routine I look forward to). 

A daily glass of wine has become a habit since last spring when Covid-19 and work from home impacted society. Although I was certainly not constantly miserable, the breakdown in routines and loss of other fun activities made that glass of wine with dinner a welcome treat. It helped me relax and structure my day. It was never excessive, but my alcohol consumption changed from an occasional treat to an expectation that I planned around (if there was no wine in the house, I felt deprived.) Those statistics you probably have seen about increased alcohol consumption during Covid-19 ? I was one of them.

I blogged a couple of weeks ago on psychiatric medications and issues of dependency. I have had the matter of wine drinking in the back of my mind since. I didn’t write about it specifically, but alcohol dependence was also discussed in the podcast. This is often how I change my mind about things, or start to change it: I’ll hear or read something that gives me a bit of doubt or challenges an assumption in an interesting way. In this case the reminder was to consider what might be becoming a dependency. I don’t think wine is a serious dependency. But still, I would rather deal with it before it is one, and I want to know that I can choose to live without it.

Plus, at least for now, society is more open, there are more opportunities, more chances for experiences, and at the same time more serious questions to consider. I believe that I should not be dulling my wits and perceptions, but sharpening them.

The verdict?

Instant coffee is a go, and the supply will be replaced. But I’m taking an indefinite break from wine, unless I’m out at a restaurant, or at someone’s house, in which case I will have it as a treat.

But of course I’m not going to pretend I am forgoing all pleasures. I’ve indulged myself in other ways. I love Naot shoes and just bought a super comfy pair. I have bought one or two new pieces of clothing recently (supporting local small business, lol) and two necklaces on Etsy. I would rather have these things right now than wine every day. I suppose if I was truly self controlled I wouldn’t be buying more consumer goods at all, but at least I’ve made more of a conscious choice. Self expression, including through fashion feels more positive than making myself fuzzy headed, anyway.

Here’s to a summer of beauty and happiness, in so far as such things can be grasped!