Self control or lack of

A couple of days ago I wrote up a shopping list. Right at the top were:

• Wine
• Instant coffee

For reasons that I don’t really understand, I bought everything on the list but forgot those two things. I thought about going back for them another day, but I still haven’t.

Instant coffee is my treat of choice after my morning shower on weekdays. I actually prefer it to regular coffee if I’m the only one drinking coffee: less dishes to wash, and weaker so less likely to make me feel sick later. But still familiar and tasty and comfortingly hot. Yes, I am the complete opposite of a coffee snob. On weekends when my husband is home in the mornings, we will make and share a pot of coffee (also a routine I look forward to). 

A daily glass of wine has become a habit since last spring when Covid-19 and work from home impacted society. Although I was certainly not constantly miserable, the breakdown in routines and loss of other fun activities made that glass of wine with dinner a welcome treat. It helped me relax and structure my day. It was never excessive, but my alcohol consumption changed from an occasional treat to an expectation that I planned around (if there was no wine in the house, I felt deprived.) Those statistics you probably have seen about increased alcohol consumption during Covid-19 ? I was one of them.

I blogged a couple of weeks ago on psychiatric medications and issues of dependency. I have had the matter of wine drinking in the back of my mind since. I didn’t write about it specifically, but alcohol dependence was also discussed in the podcast. This is often how I change my mind about things, or start to change it: I’ll hear or read something that gives me a bit of doubt or challenges an assumption in an interesting way. In this case the reminder was to consider what might be becoming a dependency. I don’t think wine is a serious dependency. But still, I would rather deal with it before it is one, and I want to know that I can choose to live without it.

Plus, at least for now, society is more open, there are more opportunities, more chances for experiences, and at the same time more serious questions to consider. I believe that I should not be dulling my wits and perceptions, but sharpening them.

The verdict?

Instant coffee is a go, and the supply will be replaced. But I’m taking an indefinite break from wine, unless I’m out at a restaurant, or at someone’s house, in which case I will have it as a treat.

But of course I’m not going to pretend I am forgoing all pleasures. I’ve indulged myself in other ways. I love Naot shoes and just bought a super comfy pair. I have bought one or two new pieces of clothing recently (supporting local small business, lol) and two necklaces on Etsy. I would rather have these things right now than wine every day. I suppose if I was truly self controlled I wouldn’t be buying more consumer goods at all, but at least I’ve made more of a conscious choice. Self expression, including through fashion feels more positive than making myself fuzzy headed, anyway.

Here’s to a summer of beauty and happiness, in so far as such things can be grasped!