On the other hand, a few things look different already.
Less social media in my life.
The only social media I’ve ever used was Face.book. And that was time waster enough, that’s for sure. But recently, I have been thinking of its more sinister aspects.
It was the waning days of 2020, when I felt fairly confident I’d faced as many dragons as the year had to throw to me. But I was wrong. Suddenly, someone close to me was dealing with a mobbing / bullying campaign that involved several online platforms including Face.book. I do not know the whole story, but what I do know is disturbing enough. It was the worst example of malice and vindictiveness that I have seen in my life. Witnessing this concerted attempt to destroy someone’s reputation, character and life’s work made me physically ill, not to mention enraged.
I will not say more right now, though this matter will be occupying my thoughts on many levels for a long time. It is a catalyst moment. However, one immediate consequence was that I noticed that the dopamine rush of using Face.book was gone. For a few days after the nasty business started I still scrolled through my feed, leaving comments for my friends and small updates. (I strictly avoided any open involvement in the mobbing affair, by the request of the victim and because I could not trust myself to be mindful and tactical: I would have gone in to that mess with all the subtlety of a flaming dumpster going over a cataract.). In place of whatever amusement I had found on Face.book was a sense of disgust and malaise. When I decided to delete the app from my phone I felt immediate relief. I have barely gone on it this week and I can’t say I miss it. Rather I feel dread at the thought of opening it on my laptop. A bit of a change since spending around 2 hours on it most days.
I have been reading more books lately. I think I shall be doing more reading this year. Currently I am more than half way through Cynical Theories by James Lindsay and Helen Pluckrose. It is an excellent analysis of cultural and academic trends, and what I like best is how carefully it is researched and sourced. It is easy to dislike and take issue with ideas and things that I see happening, but I like to know what is the origin of the trends and beliefs. It is hard for me to form an alternate view if I don’t have a sense of the deeper underpinnings of an idea. It’s all random and emotional otherwise: “I don’t like that: it doesn’t fit my experience / view of the world!” Intuitive rejection can be a clue but is not the answer.
I am also reading Carl Jung’s The Undiscovered Self as it was recommended by a friend. It is helping me to think about the development of the individual which is a good topic to revisit after being attached to a hive mind for a long time.
And I am re-reading The Lord of the Rings, because why not. It’s January: the darkest, coldest, unhealthiest month of the year, and my least favourite (if that wasn’t obvious). There is something therapeutic in reading about a journey, especially as Tolkien makes me feel I am ON the journey, not just reading about it.
What else would I like to be different? I would like to spend more time in long conversations, with people whose opinions I respect. I would like to write more, not just the impulsive, performative way I engaged with social media. Although I have barely written in my blogs, I read them today with gratitude that I took the time to write down the thoughts I did.
I would like to be less agreeable. I have been experimenting with this. I don’t want to be a jerk. But partly with the help of people I work with, I’ve been standing my ground more and saying “No” instead of always trying to make space and compromise. And it’s been an interesting experience. Although I like to avoid conflict I find I learn a lot from it too, and I want to get better at accepting that not everybody will like me and I am a capable and worthwhile person despite that.
I don’t make resolutions, in part because January is such a challenging month and I just want to survive it. But perhaps I have set the tone of 2021 a little.
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