2021: How it was different

 A little over a year ago, I wrote a post here called 2021: what will be different.

It was more a question than a statement, as the future swirled in a newly revealed chaos before me, and all I knew for certain was that some things were going to change, had to change: old habits and practices were not good enough anymore.

So I thought it would be interesting to revisit that entry, and write down what I actually did differently this past year.

Less social media in my life.

The only social media I’ve ever used was Face.book. And that was time waster enough, that’s for sure. But recently, I have been thinking of its more sinister aspects.

Almost exactly a year ago a close family member was mobbed on Face.book and Google as part of a "cancellation" attempt. It was shocking, vile and ugly, and was the most urgent impetus behind my "things much change" mentality (though plenty of other motivations of a less obvious nature were also present).

I stopped most of my Face.book activity in early January. I deleted the app off my phone, and I have posted almost nothing there for a year. I used to share photos and articles and personal updates regularly, and interact with several people. My activity now is limited to my friend Diana's page, my dance group, and some conversations on Messenger.  I have made an exception for Diana because she and the standards of her page are truly extraordinary, and I find the interactions there stimulating, encouraging and helpful. My dance teacher posts videos of steps we are learning in our private class group, which I enjoy using for practice. 

The Messenger app allows me to private message my contacts, and to see their Face.book pages if I choose. The differences between using Messenger and using the full Facebook app are significant: 1) I have to decide to look at people's pages, which means I think about them and my own motivations before reading their content. 2) No newsfeed (therefore no pushed content, ads, etc.)  3) No notifications 4) Messenger is less convenient and easy to use therefore I have to think more about using it.

I have not therefore completely eliminated my social media use, and I don't plan to close my account at this point. I really don't like deleting my content, so I would have a hard time doing that, even though I have everything backed up. But I feel like I have solved the worst problems social media was causing me and have retained most of the benefits. So I'm happy for now.

I have been reading more books lately. I think I shall be doing more reading this year.

I am super happy to report that yes, I sure did read more books! I was trying to figure out with my husband yesterday which books I have read, and it took a few minutes to remember them all! The count stands at 7 completed (update: now 8). Which is quite a few more books than I read last year, and last year's were all audio books and/or re-reads.

2021 list:

Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life (Dr. Jordan Peterson)

Cynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship made everything about Race, Gender and Identity: and How this Harms Everyone (James Lindsay and Helen Pluckrose)

A Hunter-Gatherer's Guide to the 21st Century: Evolution and the Challenges of Modern Life (Heather Heying and Brett Weinstein)

Live Not By Lies: A Manual for Christian Dissidents (Rod Dreher)

Everywhere Present (Father Stephen Freeman)

Laurus (Eugene Vodalazkin)

Welcome to the Orthodox Church (Frederica Matthews-Green)

The Aviator (Eugene Vodolazkin) I thought this one would be on 2022’s list, but I finished it New Year’s Eve.

Even better, I blogged about some of these books! (Hyperlinked). Writing about what I read is time consuming and challenging intellectually but definitely improves my understanding, recall and ability to discuss the books with other people. It’s something I will try to continue to do as much as I can.

Most of the books I read were non fiction, but Laurus and The Aviator were fiction and the first time in a while I have enjoyed contemporary fiction. 

I would like to spend more time in conversations, with people whose opinions I respect. I would like to write more, not just the impulsive, performative way I engaged with social media.

I feel reasonably successful in this area. There is a trade off perhaps between conversations with many people and conversations with a few, but I felt the need for quality over quantity. And to do that, you need to start by prioritizing quality. How to do that?

 For me, it has meant sacrificing, to some degree, attention from others. I can post something silly on Face.book and get a lot of reaction and response. This blog, by contrast, doesn’t get a ton of hits. I’m not in fact sure anyone reads it if I don’t ask them to (which I’m quite willing to do.)  But when I do get a comment, it’s very thoughtful and I actually learn from it. And maybe one day there will be more interaction here, who knows.

It needs to be said though, that creating community around thoughtful inquiry is difficult. It’s not just me; I see plenty of other people trying to do something similar and not getting a lot of interaction. It’s not a reflection of the quality of their work or their good intentions. It’s just hard to find the attention for everyone, even those who actually deserve it. I am not quite sure what is the solution. I feel like it has something to do with meaning being best pursued in community. There is only so much you can do on your own. But on your own is likely better than a fake community or one that isn’t bringing out the best in you.

Apart from that, I do think expressing my thoughts in long form here makes me a better in person conversationalist. I can better transfer ideas across domains when I spend time considering and writing about them. Instead of having this parallel online life, my time online actually is serving me better. 

I would like to be less agreeable…I don’t want to be a jerk. But….I’ve been standing my ground more and saying “No” instead of always trying to make peace and compromise.  Although I like to avoid conflict I find I learn a lot from it too, and I want to get better at accepting that not everybody will like me and I am a capable and worthwhile person despite that.

Definitely, this is a work in progress. But, I think it is has been a worthwhile thing to keep in mind. It is a fine line because, as we hear over and over, people are “polarized” and it feels like there is a kind of gleefulness in conflict. There is pleasure in pointing out “I am not like you, and you are inferior to me.” I don’t want that kind of conflict. It feels silly and predictable, and ultimately pointless. But if I have done the work to perceive and act out certain patterns in reality, and those patterns move in some opposition to other ones, well, I am striving to be okay with that kind of conflict. I don’t want to go along for the sake of going along.

It’s also important, as I implied in my statement, to continue to try to frame things as a learning experience. Learning keeps us humble. I have been trying to leave behind the attitude that my actions can or should control outcomes in the world. I can act with good intention, but it is hopeless arrogance to think that I somehow command the consequences of that action in the world, like some demigod middle manager.

Voting is a good example of this in action. For whatever reason, there has been a lot of pressure and posturing around voting the past few years. People like to remind everyone that they voted and sometimes (though not always) that they voted for a certain person or party. They say things like voting is one of the most important things you can do. (I disagree completely.) When a particular party wins, there is a celebration among those that voted for them and a (mostly unrealistic) discussion of a new era to be begun: an era of change if it is a (supposedly) progressive party, or of undoing mistakes, if a (supposedly) conservative party. 

It’s like the winners have a moment of amnesia where they forget they are still living beside people who didn’t vote for their party, and they still have to wake up the next day and talk and work with them. Then inevitably, a few weeks or months on, it becomes obvious that the government is not going to be able to do exactly what it promised, or that there is opposition to the plan that is not easy to overcome. Or perhaps the government is not precisely what it promised to be. Then there is a lot of theatrical anger and disappointment. Usually this anger is taken out on the politicians: they become a scapegoat, blamed and punished for being inadequate  or not what they claimed to be.

 This is all so predictable it is laughable, and yet many people still insist on acting as if each election will be different, that they have truly done something special by voting for a certain person or party. I don’t even much care anymore if people act this way, but I absolutely do not like to be pressured to behave in such a fashion myself. I vote, but I will not brag or even talk much about who I vote for because I know it is highly likely I am making a mistake. Furthermore, I do not consider myself responsible for the actions of whom I vote for, good or bad, nor do I hold others responsible for the same (though I would hope they try to learn from mistakes.)

I have said to a few people this year that I would like to find a candidate, of any party, who would say something like this on their platform:

“This is my best understanding of how to serve you. I know my information is incomplete and I am making mistakes and I will make more in the future, but I truly am doing my best and will attempt to explain why I choose such and such policy. I know that I do not perceive everything and therefore I will listen to and collaborate in good faith with people who are different from me. I apologize in advance for everything I will mess up and ask for your patience and forgiveness.”

If such a person exists, he or she would probably have my vote for life. But, well, I’m not holding my breath. (There was ONE candidate in our recent municipal election who used the word “humble” in his platform, so that’s something. He was not elected, of course.)

 I try to remind myself that I am alway potentially wrong or making a mistake. This doesn’t mean I won’t act or even that I torment myself with doubt, because I don’t, for the most part. I just do what makes sense and accept it might be wrong. It’s much easier to do this when I give up that need to control or micromanage reality, interestingly enough.

Anyway, I have written a lot more than I intended about politics and elections and things I don’t even care about that much, but on the topic of conflict, this is an attitude that conflicts with much of the current attitudes around me, and I’m cool with that.

I will sign off now. In a few days perhaps, I will write a sequel entry of what I hope for 2022. 

December (not so) randomness

After a long autumn, the snow has fallen and stayed on  the ground and the mercury is dropping (not that reading the temperature has anything to do with mercury anymore, in my case. I look at my smart phone.)

Today, I was supposed to take part in my stepdance group’s first (small) performance since January of 2020. But I am coming down with my youngest daughter’s cold, so I bowed out. Disappointing, but it was fun to anticipate and to practice for and there will be other opportunities (I hope).

There is one friend on Facebook, Diana, whom I still regularly interact with. Basically she is the only one. She is an unusually kind, humble, approachable, and intellectual person who holds her page, and herself, to very high standards. It’s like a Socratic classroom (with funny memes).

One of the recent memes was “Mankind wasn’t meant to work in December. We were meant to hide from wolves, drink, and pray our autumn harvest will last us through the Dark Months.”

I couldn’t agree more. I am very grateful for my job, and for the fact I have this opportunity to do something positive in the world. But at the same time, I would like nothing better than to sit on the couch and crochet for the rest of the month, and possibly well into January. Based on observations of the people around me, it’s not just me with these feelings.

I have started crocheting again, almost obsessively, after not having interest in yarn crafts for months….years? My co-teacher started a community knitting / crochet meet up group (almost by accident), and so I became involved. Then I bought a book of Harry Potter crochet patterns with the intent to inspire my eldest daughter. They are rather too complex for an absolute beginner, however, so I decided to make one, then two, from the book before giving it to her for Christmas. And so it goes. Now making deals for bootleg bargain yarn, seeing patterns in my mind…..all of it.

My co-teacher’s success with the meet-up group inspired me to try again to reach out to a church. I had tried previously but not gotten a response to my email. Maybe I used the wrong address, who knows. But since she used Facebook to start her group, I decided impulsively to try using the church’s  FB page. It had not occurred to me to even try FB because I have been avoiding it mostly due to last year’s very negative experiences, discussed elsewhere. But I actually did get a response this time, and at 10pm, two minutes after I messaged (which slightly freaked me out). Apparently social media reaches everywhere.

The message was what I had been looking for, which was “you would be very welcome.” And “please ask if you have any questions!”

Do I have questions about going to a church? I mean…probably. Obviously, yes.  But the only one that really matters right now is: how do I start? And this is the question I haven’t been able to answer in two years, so I keep hesitating, even though at this point there is no going back, either. Maybe it’s cliche, but I’m not totally in control of this process anymore. Something is trying to speak through me, and it’s going to keep trying, I know it is.

But the negotiations (with family) and logistical calculations to actually attend a service in person  haven’t happened. (I did mention it as an intent/wish, so that’s something.) Finally, because the church I contacted does also have an online option, I tried watching parts of a prerecorded service. Again, not really what I want or imagined doing but it’s something to start with. I sort of listened to the words, but it will take a while to get used to the Orthodox chant: it sounds weird to my ear, which expects either spoken word or singing, not some hybrid of the two. But I enjoyed watching the worshippers approaching the icons, crossing themselves, each doing their thing. It looked very relaxed. And then another thought popped into my head, another “answer” to the questions I can’t even fully articulate.

I would like, one day, to be as relaxed and unself-conscious as those people when it comes to Christianity/God/the sacred. I would like it to just be a part of my verbal and non verbal language in that way. That’s what this is really about. Sure, it would be nice to have all sorts of intellectual and metaphysical insights. But I don’t have a ton of expectations there. Mostly, I want my everyday moments and experiences to be part of a system of meaning. I need the language to understand them that way. I mean, I kind of already have the understanding, or the beginnings of it; but I lack the words. And without the words, the language, I can’t take it any further.

Diana, my gifted friend, posted a very profound question the other day: “What should I give myself for Christmas?”

She went on to specify that she didn’t mean things that could be bought, but something like a commitment to adopt a habit that may be a chore day to day, but that would make her happier and more fulfilled in the long run. A permanent change in diet, to read a real book an hour every day, that sort of thing. “If you were going to give yourself such a Christmas present—assuming you regard yourself as someone you love enough to make the commitment to—what would yours be?”

Someone did point out that that it seems to be another way of asking for a New Year’s resolution, but I like this frame so much better. There is a sort of shaming involved in the New Year’s resolution, an implication that you are not currently doing enough. Which may be true, but it misses the love that Diana’s question makes explicit. Personally, I find the winter months (January/February)  so challenging that I have zero motivation to push myself beyond the basics of trying to survive. Don’t even talk to me about resolutions or goals till March or April! But this idea of giving yourself a present….yes. This is a perfect question.

And I immediately knew my answers. One was yes, to try attending a church. To start. The other was to get winter tires. Which is a thing, so not exactly fulfilling the requirements of the question, but I thought of it as giving myself the gift of less stress every day.

So there you have it. Winter. Gifts. Christmas. Still working on the best Christmas gift of all, the one that will keep giving.

You are the entertainment

I don’t usually read too much into my dreams. But this one seemed rather apropos of….life in general?

In my dream I was organizing an elaborate house party. I don’t recall what the occasion was, but whatever it was, I was all in! I had hired a bunch of artists to transform the house into a theatre. There were people building a stage, setting up lights and sound, and planning make up. They were a wild and creative bunch, and I was excited by the unconventional energy.

 I had also invited a lot of people who had agreed to come, but what didn’t seem to be clear to them (despite repeated explanations) was the role they were to play in this production. It wasn’t so much a sit down event: everybody had a part to play. I was excited, but as the preparations went ahead, the excitement in general seemed to be lacking and tension was growing.

At one point I was trying again to explain things to my brother. (Poor guy, it’s not his fault he was featured in my crazy dream!) All he would say to me was: “I like to sit in the front, on the left hand side.” He even showed me a diagram showing his preferred seat.

“No!” I exclaimed, exasperated. “Did nobody tell you?  You are the entertainment!!”

That landed like a lead balloon.

The next thing I knew, the stage crew was taking down the stage, the costume and make up people were leaving….someone had called everything off. “But….couldn’t we do something small….an open mic event?!” No….no takers. The artists, I was told, had figured out that no one really wanted to be there, and decided to cut their losses and leave. “But of course I would have paid you, no matter what happened!” I said to them, crushed. It made no difference.

I then woke up, relived that my disappointing dream hadn’t happened, but also vaguely uneasy. It’s true, after all, or I believe it is: we are the entertainment. It feels like, with Covid etc., that there is supposed to be an possibility to…..opt out of life? But there really isn’t, ever. There is no substitute for showing up,  acting out a story with other people.

Anyway. I am lucky, I suppose, that my life doesn’t actually lack drama, the good kind I mean. I don’t care for artificial drama. But there’s always a challenge, something to match my wits against, a mix of personalities to deal with, and yes…..costumes (no boring or ugly clothes for me!)

Dang it though, it could have been a very good dream party….

A childhood memory of music

I was driving home from my stepdance class today, and CKUA, our local radio station was playing classical music as they usually do weekday evenings. As a piece of music wrapped up they said it was Mario Bernardi conducting.

This immediately recalled my childhood when we would go to the orchestra frequently and Mario Bernardi was the conductor. I spent quite a few hours looking at the back of his head, if I wasn’t looking up at the ceiling or at the organ. Back then classical concerts were more formal and I do not recall ever hearing Bernardi speak. Nowadays the conductor is also a sort of PR representative for the orchestra and will turn around between pieces and talk to the audience about the music. But as a child I was left entirely to my own imagination, which was quite up to the task of keeping me entertained with my own interpretations of what I heard.

I hadn’t thought about Bernardi in years however, and my first thought was that he must be dead, and to feel a sense of belated loss at the thought. He did in fact pass away in 2013, after a lifetime of musical achievement and honours. He was born in 1930, eight years before my dad, and would have been in his 50s when I saw him on stage.  He was married, had one daughter born in 1969, and two grandsons.

There is a kind of existential terror in the realization that I’m slowly outliving the icons of my childhood. One, it’s a reminder of my mortality. But even more poignantly, it’s the realization that whatever they were going to pass on to me, they now have, and their role has ended, and I’m left with whatever I can remember, interpret, pass on. This is really very humbling, especially as I can still quite clearly recall being the daydreaming child in the concert hall, and most days, I don’t feel a great deal cleverer either. I’m mostly just the same person, getting lost in the music.

I suppose, if I want to quantify all the ways music has affected me, the list would look something like this:

—I have danced all my life, and consider it a key part of my identity;

—I did join an amateur concert band as an adult, and those experiences were key to me becoming, shall we say, a reasonably functional adult (I put most of my angst aside; I learned to be happy and belong) I haven’t kept up my music since having kids, but I still benefit in the big picture from the experience.

—Until recently I attended live music regularly, including classical

—I encourage my children to dance and play music 

I guess that is pretty decent. A life that is worthwhile , and not dull (at least to me!), and touched by beauty and meaningful patterns is an appropriate appreciation of this man who shared his art with me, a child way up in the second balcony.

I liked this interview: a bit of his personality comes through. 

An interview with Mario Bernardi

Saturdays

Technically it takes three to make a pattern, but two times is noticeable enough for me on this case, so I’m paying attention anyway.

I noticed the past couple of weeks that I was very sensitive emotionally on Saturday nights. In both cases we’d done something enjoyable that should have put me in a good mood: a date night, an evening out to dinner with our  extended family celebrating my oldest daughter’s birthday. Nothing upsetting happened.  However, as soon as I went to bed I found myself plagued with sudden anxious thoughts. The first time the thing my mind fixed upon was something my husband said about a (mostly benign) heart condition that runs in his family. The second time it was an article by Paul Kingsworth, a writer new to me, that took a rather bleak view of the world.

Both times I needed to make a concerted effort to calm myself and I spent part of the next day feeling discombobulated.

I just find it interesting that I seem to be most likely to be affected this way on Saturdays. I don’t really know how to explain it. But I’ve become more mindful the past few months of where I am putting my attention. As my focus shifts, I can feel the change in my mind and body. I guess I just have to be extra aware on Saturdays. I will perhaps look for a mindful reading or practice particularly for Saturday evening.

Paradise

This is so beautiful.  25 minutes of poetry and peace with my laundry and 3 year old on a Saturday morning.

Jonathon Pageau: How I interpret scripture

Sometimes I write about “political” things here but the truth is, such considerations are never ever sufficient on their own. Simply put, if a way of thinking ONLY leads you into conflict and anxiety, it’s insufficient. The way we see and interact with the world should elevate us, in the midst of the big crises and in the mundane moments. Call that the insight of midlife for me, at least the part where I can put it into words.

What openness looks like

Africa Brooke, from An Open Letter:

“YES, I could choose to carry animosity in my heart based on the pain my ancestors experienced and the injustice still taking place in many different parts of the world - but what does that do for me, my mental state, my community, and those I interact with in the present day?

​

“I'd rather acknowledge reality, and focus on solutions.

​

“I wasn't really raised to ask many questions, but in adulthood asking powerful questions (even when they are simple) is something that has become a non-negotiable - and that's what I will continue to do.

​

“I will continue to trust myself and question things. I will do my own research before responding purely based on emotion. I will keep myself open to having challenging conversations if I have the capacity to do so, and if I don't have the capacity to engage, I will still not shut anyone down - unless absolutely necessary.”

Full article here

I just read Ms Brooke’s article and I have nothing to add really, except that I always want to have her words nearby. To me, this is what openness toward people and experience looks and sounds like. I don’t think you could go that wrong trying to live by the words I’ve quoted here, either day to day or in the long term.

What is your sacred space?

JBP/Stephen Crowder Bitchute link**

JBP/Stephen Crowder YouTube link

(Length of dialogue: approx 1 hour)

I haven’t been listening to “political things” in a while. I find the oppositional stances people take to each other on issues unhelpful when repeated constantly. Dialectical conversation can be useful, but that rarely is what actually happens: it’s just one side trying to humiliate the other. The real world is very complicated and none of us perceive it in its entirety; I don’t know why this is such a hard thing to admit.

What I particularly appreciated in this dialogue was JBP’s comment on how people are not recognizing the need for the spiritual and religious in their daily lives. He argues that it is a universal human need, not a choice. Lacking a deliberate, conscious religious practice, religion comes back through unconscious patterns. 

My friend Joe responded and added to my observations with this insightful comment I want to share and keep for my own reference:

“I agree with you and JBP about people not recognizing the need for the religious and sacred in their lives. I would go further and say people are not recognizing the religious and sacred in their lives. We still have the religious and the sacred, we have substituted things like politics and various other ideologies for what was once the domain of a more singular idea of the religious and the sacred.

“I think we have forgotten that it was our shared story - the thing that bound us together as a community - that was the main value proposition of religion. It represented the shared story that served as the social glue to define the membrane of community. Because of the current lack of a shared story, we tend to treat people who have a different map of the world as if they are less than, or unworthy.

“A media engine that feeds on attention and is willing to take on that role religion once had - of crafting the narrative of what's true and not - what's sacred and not - what's good or evil - is breath cancer. It destroys the necessary integrity we need to function at our best by straining on our focus that we are best served when we understand that community is ultimately what we need to live in and depend on to carry us forward through time.

“I could be missing something (s).”

**As a side note, it’s interesting to compare the sort of comments on the Bitchute video versus YouTube. The commenters on Bitchute sound a lot more…..angry and alienated?  I am aware that there are people out there who might think less of me for listening to Dr. Peterson (whom I know a lot about) and Mr Crowder (whom I know much less about, but he says nothing here that I find particularly startling). To my ear though, the dialogue between the two of them is inviting and reasonable. The Bitchute commenters disagree: they see the dialogue as stupid and irrelevant at best, and proof of some truth-suppressing conspiracy at worst. They have dismissed both men because they do not support the views that the commenters endorse.

The Bitchute commentary is not something I would participate in. But I found it interesting to read, once I figured out what I was reading. There are groups of people who have formed their conclusions and simply stopped paying attention to what others are saying. Of course it is impossible to pay attention to everything and everyone, but I think it’s worth some thought that when people are shut out of conversations or leave them, they are still around, somewhere. You can’t wish or censor people out of existence.

To be involved and exposed

“Courage… is the sine qua non of any attempt to deal with the threat of senility – courage to face the truth, and to live fully in the face of it. With courage a person can go about living in another way – a way that will give maximum chance of dying with his faculties intact. This other way is not the way of the welfare culture in which we are all immersed. It does not involve the constant search for comforts or the obsessive pursuit of health. On the contrary, it is a way of benign shabbiness and self-neglect, of risky enjoyments and bold adventures. 

“It involves constant exercise – but not of the body. Rather, exercise of the person, through relationships with others, through sacrifice, through the search for opportunities to be involved and exposed. Such, at least, is my intuition. The life of benign shabbiness is not a life of excess. Of course you should drink, smoke, eat fatty foods – but not to the point of gluttony. The purpose is to weaken the body while strengthening the mind. 

“The risks you take should not damage your will or your relationships, but only your chances of survival. Officious doctors and health fascists will assail you, telling you to correct your diet, to take better forms of exercise, to drink more water and less wine. If you pursue a life of risk-taking and defiance the thought-police will track you down, and your lifestyle will be held up to ridicule and contempt.

 “It is not that anyone intends you to live beyond your time. Rather, to use Adam Smith’s famous image, the old people’s gulag arises by an invisible hand from a false conception of human life – a conception that does not see death as a part of life, and timely death as the fruit of it.

“Each of us must decide for himself what the life of benign shabbiness requires of him. Obviously dangerous pursuits like hunting and mountaineering have a part to play. Equally important is the forthright expression of opinion, so as to win grateful friends and implacable enemies, a process that enhances both the consolations of social life, and the tensions of day-to- day living.

“ I am not sure that I could live like my friend the writer and campaigner Ayaan Hirsi Ali; but there is an adorable recklessness in her truth-directed way of life that makes each moment of it worthwhile. Going out to help others, in ways that involve danger and the threat of disease, is also a useful form of exposure. The main point, it seems to me, is to maintain a life of active risk and affection, while helping the body along the path of decay, remembering always that the value of life does not consist in its length but in its depth.”

—Roger Scruton, Dying in Time

Embodied

“  To consider the body as a tool of the mind, one that ought to reflect what the mind insists upon, is an unrecognizable view of human nature and is—in practice—impossible. Our bodies will never perform in precisely the manner our minds desire.”

Elizabeth Regnerous

The Angry Mob and the Illiberal Bureaucracy

The New Puritans is an excellent article on what happens when judgements about people are made furtively by bureaucracies and/or noisily by the mob. I have read/listened/viewed more material on this topic than I can count or recount. I have also witnessed a mob in the act of defamation, and it is one of the most shocking and vile things I have ever seen.  Still, I would say this article is a standout, and one I will share with people of all views and backgrounds. It is also, regrettably, something  on my mind as I return to a workplace which is likely to be increasingly influenced by the shadow culture of the New Puritans.

Stories and mobs

Whenever there is a story in the news and/or social media that is causing a lot of reaction (often vastly different reactions) I tend to avoid it until most people have moved on. I have a gut level distaste for such things, and also I feel like there is too much pressure to take one side or another, and that is something I tend to not want to do, at least not just because a lot of other people are taking sides. (My view on partisan issues: you should be able to deduce what side I am on for yourself. If you can’t, then it isn’t important to our relationship and probably none of your business.)

When I was more active on social media, it was interesting (perhaps in a perverse way) to see how stories went viral and created intensely emotional responses. More negatively, I sometimes felt like I was supposed to react to the issue as well, even if I ordinarily wouldn’t want to. This pressure (or temptation) to “join the party” is another reason I’m very, very glad to have stepped away from social media. I’m sure I’m missing out on a lot of things (so sad….not) but I also am not being entangled in mass outbursts against my better judgment. So far. 

A bit over a year ago, a video of a New York woman called Amy Cooper taken by a man called Christian Cooper was very much in the news. Since I was still on Facebook, I saw a variety of reactions, all of which were antagonistic to Ms Cooper. Women whom you could call my peers, roughly speaking, in age/culture/education, were denouncing Ms Cooper as racist, “Karen,” etc etc. Most bizarrely (to me) there were calls for women to take a sort of collective responsibility for Ms Cooper’s alleged bad behaviour toward Christian Cooper, as if I could be in any way responsible for the actions of a woman I don’t know in a situation I don’t understand. The Amy Cooper story was of course connected with the death of George Floyd and the resulting political action taken by groups and individuals in the USA.

Anyway. Today I took the time to listen to a Kmele Foster/Bari Weiss podcast looking in depth into the Amy Cooper/Christian Cooper story. They look closely at the context of the confrontation and the details of how it was reported. Ms Cooper is interviewed. (Mr Cooper did not respond to the request to participate). It is a disturbing case study of how a video of less than a minute can take on an emotional weight in the minds of strangers who don’t and can’t know the context. And arguably, don’t want to.

I’ve said before that it’s my goal to never be part of a mob in my life. This podcast reinforces that goal in my mind.

The Real Story of the Central Park Karen

With Bari Weiss and Kmele Foster

Part 3 (Rules 7, 8, 9) : Dr Jordan Peterson’s Beyond Order with personal commentary

Preamble: see Part 1 for my explanation of what I’m doing.

About the book: Beyond Order follows JBP’s 2018 book, 12 Rules For Life: An Antidote to Chaos (for a total of 24 rules between both books). Each chapter is devoted to one rule. The chapters may include discussion of self-help ideas, psychological and other scientific research, analysis of literature, popular culture, mythology and/or religion, political and social commentary and anecdotes to build on the theme. This is much like JBP’s speaking style which many know from his popular online lectures and podcasts. Part of the delight and enjoyment is watching thinking and sense making in action. 

Links to other posts in this series (I will make links live as I write and post each blog):

Part 1 (Rules 1, 2, 3)

Part 2 (Rules 2, 3, 4)

Part 3 (Rules 7, 8, 9) you are reading it

Part 4 (Rules 10, 11, 12)

Rule 7: Work as hard as you possibly can on at least one thing and see what happens

This is a rule I have been applying more or less since early adulthood. Sometimes Dr. Peterson is able to put into words ideas that I have intuited or discovered on my own but not made explicit.

In my adolescence, and to some degree in adult life, I experienced the feeling of being "unmoored and adrift." I was/am lucky to have a stable and supportive family, so I was never adrift in all the ways it is possible to be adrift. But there was certainly loneliness, and isolation, and a degree of misery and cynicism. I first experienced it as an isolated teenager trying to complete school by correspondence. I was homeschooled as a child and there were some advantages to that when I was very young, but the advantages had run out by the time I was 12, 13, 14, 15. Out of habit, and fear, I stayed at home....and it was definitely not the right thing to do. My days became increasingly unstructured; I couldn't focus on anything except novels; I procrastinated constantly; I avoided trying anything new or taking any risks. When it became obvious that I might never finish high school with this attitude, my parents made me go back to school. I knew it was necessary at that point too, though I didn't exactly look forward to it and was lacking in many skills. However, in the space of a couple of years I had learned the necessary skills to get by, and within 5 more (university) I had built on them to where I was successful and confident in many ways, though I still had a lot to learn about life.

In university particularly, and since then in what has become my career, I can honestly say I have tried my best and that it has paid off fairly consistently. The good thing about making your best effort, is that regardless whether or not there are financial or social rewards (i.e. external rewards) you are guaranteed to at least learn something from the endeavour, and that usually has long term benefits. It's certainly better than not learning something. There is plenty to critique about my university education for example, but whatever courses I took, I can honestly say I worked very hard on all of them, and didn't make any excuses for myself. This effort mostly insulated me from the cynicism that nearly all my peers had developed by their final year, including (perhaps especially) my top-achieving, elite peers. The intrinsic rewards of hard work that I experienced made the silly games my professors and many fellow students engaged in unappealing. These silly games would re-emerge, a few decades later, as identity politics and critical theory and they are still unappealing.  However, hard work also almost always makes it easier to form happy and productive relationships with other people, regardless of differences.

Rule 8: Try to make one room in your house as beautiful as possible.

"If you learn to make something in your life truly beautiful--even one thing--then you have established a relationship with beauty." What a true and wonderful observation: well worth repeating! And the key word is "relationship." Like any relationship, a one with beauty evolves and needs to be constantly maintained: it is not like you create or find something beautiful and boom, you are set for life.

As a mother of young children, this is particularly (sometimes painfully) true. My children are naturally drawn to beauty, but of course they haven't exactly discovered how to maintain or create it. This means that (adult) decorating is usually a low priority in our house. Beauty is mostly functional right now: it means having an underlying system of order that helps prevent life from exploding around me. It means seeking out novelty in ways other than consumerism, which leads to more stuff to organize and take care of (this is an ongoing challenge for me/us). It means having patience with my daughter's attempts to decorate the house, which don't always line up with my priorities, but which are developmentally appropriate and well-intentioned.

But I still do need to make my spaces beautiful, and the reason is that it is good for my morale (and my family's). Constant tidying and cleaning and maintenance is worthwhile, but also dreary and not very emotionally satisfying. On the other hand, I undertook this summer to beautify our garden in the backyard (with my daughter's help). It is wonderful to now have a space that is actually pretty and fun and a little bit decadent. I wrote about the experience here on my other blog.

Rule 9: If old memories still upset you, write them down carefully and completely 

I chose two texts here because they show the clarity and delightfulness of Dr. Peterson's thinking so well. He connects everyday experience (“plagued by reminisces”) with action (“gather everything from the past that has been avoided”) with morality (the impossibility of avoiding your conscience) with the role of shared stories in culture (“These ideas are encapsulated and represented in the narratives, the fundamental narratives that sit at the base of our culture.”) He engages  the reader at the personal level, acknowledging their daily challenges, puts them in a moral framework, and encourages curiosity about how all of this plays out at the cultural and social level. As a reader struggling with whatever, you are immediately put at the centre of an interesting story, but also challenges to look beyond yourself and whatever dust is collecting in your navel.

I have invested quite a bit of my time and life in reading and writing stories. I’ve studied them formally. However, Jordan Peterson was the first person (other than perhaps Clarissa Estes) to state what seems like it should be obvious: we read other people’s stories, including ancient, shared stories without individual attribution, because life is complicated and it takes too long to figure everything out on your own. We have the resource of our own memories, and the resource of our ancestors’ memories, to the extent that we bother to find them out. There are other reasons to study literature, mythology, religion and other subjects, but that is the central one.

Learning from history

I have started a new book, the first book I have read of recent contemporary fiction in….uh….not sure how long. Five years maybe? It is Laurus by Eugene Vodolazkin (translated from the Russian). It is an eccentric book but appealing, for reasons I don’t totally understand yet….perhaps I am curious about the logic by which it is structured? It’s also full of rich, humourous language and references which I always enjoy in a book.

Anyway, I took a break from reading and found this interview with Vodolazkin and his translator, which I want to bookmark here. There is lots in it to think about.  Here is some of the text as to give a flavour:

Eugene Vodolazkin: Memory … What do we have except memory? Nothing. Memory is the consciousness of a person, whereas history is the consciousness of the people. And that is why the book of books, the Bible, is a historical text. It ismemory. As it happens, I am a historian — formerly a philologist, but my whole life I’ve studied the Middle Ages, and my academic writing is more about history and the philosophy of history than about linguistic problems. But history as such is not as important as we sometimes think. There’s Cicero’s famous aphorism: “History is the teacher of life.” But we shouldn’t take these words too seriously. History doesn’t actually repeat. I mean, it does in some sense, but if you want to build a modern democracy, you quickly understand that ancient Greek democracy has nothing to do with what you want, except in name. Because every historical event is a great complex of different circumstances, intentions, and so on and so forth. And to bring all of these together for a second time is impossible. And that’s why knowledge of history will not save us, cannot teach us what to do in the future. You can’t draw political conclusions from history, except in some extremely limited sense.

Interviewer: So it’s not the case that those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it?

EV: Well, it’s not that history doesn’t teach us anything at all. But you have to identify the specific sphere of its influence. And for me, that would be the personal sphere. If we want to draw historical lessons, we must understand that they are moral rather than political. For society as a whole, it doesn’t make sense to study examples, because each person has his or her own agenda, in the same way that every battle has its own general. There are so many directions, so many vectors, that it is impossible to regulate this process. Which brings me back to our previous topic: if you want to help your society, develop yourself. Don’t develop the Volk, the people in general. Don’t deal in thousands and millions; deal with your own self. This point is crucial for The Aviator. One of the book’s main ideas is that personal history is much more important than general history, than world history — that world history is actually only a small piece of individual history. Whereas all these utopian ideas, like communism, all these ideas that put pressure on individuality — they are not organic, not vital. They have no right to exist. And The Aviator is precisely a text about an attempt at emancipation of personal history from world history. (full interview)

Part 2 (Rules 4, 5 and 6): Dr Jordan Peterson’s Beyond Order with personal commentary

Preamble: see Part 1 for my explanation of what I’m doing.

About the book: Beyond Order follows JBP’s 2018 book, 12 Rules For Life: An Antidote to Chaos (for a total of 24 rules between both books). Each chapter is devoted to one rule. The chapters may include discussion of self-help ideas, psychological and other scientific research, analysis of literature, popular culture, mythology and/or religion, political and social commentary and anecdotes to build on the theme. This is much like JBP’s speaking style which many know from his popular online lectures and podcasts. Part of the delight and enjoyment is watching thinking and sense making in action. 

Links to other posts in this series (I will make links live as I write and post each blog):

 

Part 1 (Rules 1, 2, 3)

Part 2 (Rules 4, 5, 6)You are reading it

Part 3 (Rules 7, 8, 9)

Part 4 (Rules 10, 11, 12)

 Rule 4: Notice that opportunity lurks where responsibility has been abdicated

I had this advice in mind when I offered to teach a subject and group of students outside of my current specialization earlier this year. It was a year of staffing challenges because of some students choosing online learning, thus a lack of teachers. I also saw some potential benefits to my core group of students if I made myself available to fill this need area. So for one class a day, I taught a small group of very complex learners. I was often learning the subject (history, politics, current events) at the same time as them. It was not exactly academically challenging but the challenge was keeping the students engaged and creating a supportive learning environment. There was a lot of improvisation and dialectical conversation.

Did this assignment increase my stress level? Definitely. I had a lot of anxiety about being able to teach the subject effectively but especially over my students’ mental health and behaviours. Could I have hypothetically refused to take on this class? Perhaps. Am I glad I took on the challenge? I am! I learned to really like my little group, despite their complexities, and I know they liked me in return. We had many interesting conversations together. At the end of the course, the students asked to have a potluck. I was impressed with how they supported each other (apart from occasional squabbles) and how they each made an effort at the end to have this celebration, bringing food and serving each other. I even got my favourite donut.

Rule 5: Do not do what you hate

Conflict is not something I seek out, that’s for sure. It’s not that I will never have a confrontation, but I have to talk myself into it. That is not perhaps a bad thing as I do approach difficult situations thoughtfully. But avoidance is always a temptation. One reason I appreciate Dr Peterson is he reminds me to take a hard look at this side of my character and ask if I need to take a stronger stand sometimes.

An advantage of the close relationship I have formed with my co-teacher this year is that she is less agreeable and more willing to say No to people. I have been able, in an appropriate and respectful way, to see what happens when we set stronger boundaries. And often things get better.  A few people become and remain grumpy, but others are supportive and start to play a better game with us.

My efforts to follow this advice are ongoing.

Rule 6: Abandon Ideology

I work in an area (education) that is susceptible to fad ideas. They may take a while to trickle down to the actual classroom level, because teachers and students are very routine based and it’s not easy to suddenly change your practice, whether or not change would be beneficial.

My view is that teaching is not actually that complicated, though it is hard. Complex and poorly prepared students of course make it harder because you have to invest a lot of time and energy figuring out their priority of needs, and it’s often a struggle to find the time and resources. So the problems of society impact us. But are there some sort of special teaching techniques that can be learned that will make a huge difference? For some students with specialized needs, sure. There are strategies that can help. But there is no “secret formula” or easy solution. It comes down to relationships, flexibility, and the beneficial use of authority.

It is however, always tempting to believe that there are simple solutions. It’s easier to teach a simple idea, for one thing. I often felt overwhelmed trying to explain news stories. I told my students we could easily spend the entire course learning about one news story about China, or Canada’s indigenous people, or any other topic. Sometimes they would ask why we were discussing a “current event” from a year ago. I answered that almost every story in the news had been developing for years, maybe generations. It is impossible to understand it by reading one story.

It occurred to me, as I was doing this, often awkwardly, that it would be easier to say that current events are caused by systemic racism, or colonialism, or patriarchy, or whatever. Not only would such terms give a quick, easy explanation, they would give me and the students a pleasant feeling of being allied against such evils. All of them were active on social media too so had at least some exposure to these words  and the groups that promote them. I could have invited them to be part of a “tribe” that has a straightforward story about the past and present.  There would have been some pushback, but I was after all the authority.

I didn’t, and I won’t, because as Dr Peterson notes above, the ideological explanations oversimplify and misdirect.  They make it too easy, and satisfying, to name and shame villains. They minimize how incredibly difficult it is to actually stand up against something that is wrong, instead offering group belonging as a cover. I have seen how activists actually behave when they have decided somebody is a racist, or a transphobe, or a misogynist, or any other name they choose. It is usually mostly or entirely arbitrary. It is vile and ugly. There is plenty of ugliness in the world, including some that lines up with some definitions of racism, misogyny, etc. But this does not justify the creation of further viciousness. I will not indoctrinate other people.

When students (or anyone, really) confronts me with their (often justifiable) anger or sadness at something in the world, I ask them to observe their own life, relationships, physical and social world. What can they make better? What can they stop doing wrong? Absolutely anybody can find something they can change for the better. By contrast, if they lash out in anger against another person (and the selection of target is again almost always random and/or selected by another person with their own agenda), who benefits? 

It’s a good thing I am getting some experience teaching (and applying) these ideas as I don’t see the need lessening any time soon.

Part 1 (Rules 1, 2 and 3): Dr Jordan Peterson’s Beyond Order with personal commentary

Preamble: I finished reading Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life in July. I tried to think of how best to respond to the book. I could write a “review,” but I don’t see how that would be of much use to me, or others (the one or two people who read my blog, on a good day? Hahahaha.) Also, total honesty, I started the book in March, and took plenty of breaks, so my memory is not great of all the chapters. I would have to reread the whole thing to do a proper synthesis, and I was kind of hoping to start a new book.

So, I went back through the chapters, and from each I picked one or sometimes two quotes that particularly jumped out at me, and that I can relate to or actively apply in my life. It is certainly reductionist of the ideas, but will perhaps be an intriguing “teaser” for those who have not read the book, and for those who have read, a demonstration of how I actually apply Dr Peterson’s ideas. After all, I am not a full time book reviewer, or public intellectual, and have no plans to become one. I’m also in my 40s now with a busy life and have little time or patience for useless ideas. If I can’t use it, I won’t waste my time or yours. If I can, I’ll show you how.

About the book: Beyond Order follows JBP’s 2018 book, 12 Rules For Life: An Antidote to Chaos (for a total of 24 rules between both books). Each chapter is devoted to one rule. The chapters may include discussion of self-help ideas, psychological and other scientific research, analysis of literature, popular culture, mythology and/or religion, political and social commentary and anecdotes to build on the theme. This is much like JBP’s speaking style which many know from his popular online lectures and podcasts. Part of the delight and enjoyment is watching thinking and sense making in action. 

Links to other posts in this series (I will make links live as I write and post each blog):

Part 1 (Rules 1, 2, 3) You are reading it

Part 2 (Rules 4, 5, 6)

Part 3 (Rules 7, 8, 9)

Part 4 (Rules 10, 11, 12)

Rule 1: Do not carelessly denigrate social institutions or creative achievement

Chapter 1 focuses on why people, as social beings, need each other and how we organize those relationships. “People depend on on constant communication with others to keep their minds organized…..we think by talking” (p.3) Our mental health is not solely dependent on our interior state, but on relationships. Relationships take many forms, depending on what you are doing. You might be a beginner at something, and need to approach others with humility and some vulnerability.  Next you might relate as an equal, actively taking on responsibility and contributing. As an authority, you may have power over others but if wise you do not use that in a wilful or arbitrary manner.

In the past two years I have had two different jobs, in two different locations, both in a somewhat novel teaching area. So I was learning about the student profile and my responsibilities as well as new schools at the same time, while adjusting to life as the mother of two kids. (Then there was Covid of course, but even without that there were many challenges, and in fact my biggest struggles came before Covid.)

Something I very consciously tried to do at both jobs, but especially the current one, is actively form solid trusting work relationships. A few years ago I worked at a school where my relationships with colleagues were rather chilly and awkward, and it was nagging problem and a stressor. I think I was focusing too much on what I was doing, versus how I was relating, and it wasn’t a great strategy.  In my current job, which I’m very happy with, I try to always show up with the attitude that I am there to contribute and support others and that I have a lot to offer. It also helps that my co-teacher is appreciative and has always been vocal about that appreciation. I was constantly starved for acknowledgment at my previous job: it felt like the more I needed it and the harder I tried, the less response I had.  Trusting relationships make it much easier to share ideas, take creative risks, give honest feedback, cope with stress, and face adversity.

Rule 2: Imagine who you could be, and then aim single-mindedly at that

I see the importance of a story structure in my daily life as well as in the overall arc of my life. I am often very busy, and wish that I had more leisure, or could take leisure without the guilt of leaving things undone. On the other hand, when I have more flexible time and less to do, for example during the summer or on weekends, I’m not necessarily happier.  The reason seems to be that I need a structure to my day. There has to be something I’m trying to accomplish by the end of it. The pattern is something like preparation, anticipation, action, reflection and rest. The simple challenge of planning a picnic and going to a park to eat it with my kids can help me engage with life and enjoy the moment, whereas I might just spend hours in a daze otherwise.

On a bigger scale, I like to look back on my life and notice events that have inspired me to take a certain direction, or to deepen my perceptions and understanding. Keeping a journal or more recently a blog is helpful because the important events (I don’t always know in advance what will prove important) are recorded and considered, and can be revisited later for further reflection.  Consciously living in my story and valuing it also helps me deal with difficulty. As the quote says, instead of seeing the chaos and tragedy of life as a random disaster, it is a challenge to keep progressing. Forward motion matters, even when the destination is unseen or uncertain.

Rule 3: Do not hide unwanted things in the fog

I’ll come back to marriage more later, but chapter 3 is a hard look at why avoidance is a very bad idea. If/when something is bothering you, it is important to address it and have tough conversations if necessary. This is definitely something I’m still working on as I tend to default to “just focus on the positive!” However, this quote reminds me to look carefully at everyday routines and interactions and ask if they are actually working in the way they should or could be.  Small omissions and irritations add up over time. 

This reminds me I really should change the battery on my car door remote. When the battery starts to die, it is at first a small irritation, then a larger one, then a possible safety hazard when I can’t get the door open (especially in the dead of winter).  But it’s also a task that I forget to do over and over and think I can get away with forgetting.

Mental crossroads

I don’t remember what I was dreaming about early Sunday morning, but I woke up and decided I won’t call myself a feminist anymore. I don’t fully understand why I had this thought at this particular time, so this is a very roughed in post with ideas I need to think about and explore further. But I wanted to capture this moment, because this is actually how I build consciousness.

It’s not as if I have been advertising myself as a feminist, not lately anyway, and quite possibly never. I have rarely if ever actually said out loud to anyone or in writing “I’m a feminist!” (The only example I can recall right now was an email discussion with my brothers.)  But certainly I would claim to live by some feminist ideas or ideals at the least. I believe men and women are equal (but different too, so not necessarily equal on all objective measures). I believe in flexible gender roles, and certainly practice these in my marriage. I believe in independence. I believe women have their own “hero story” though it’s not identical to men’s either. And so on.

Most people who know me and care about such things probably assumed I am a feminist, and they wouldn’t have been wrong to do so. I thought of myself as a feminist too, but neutrally. I was feminist in the same way I am Canadian. I was born in Canada; I grew up with Canadian influences; there are things I like and appreciate about being Canadian. Likewise I grew up with feminist ideas and influences and some of them are positive as far as I can tell.  But I don’t think Canadians are superior, or that everybody should be a Canadian, or that people should admire me for being Canadian, or that Canadians should be above criticism. And I don’t believe any of those things about feminism or feminists either. I am 100% open to people saying feminists are full of shit and do not find that in any way offensive.

Where I’m most different from other self declared feminists is that I’m not oppositional. I don’t think that every problem in the world is caused by a person or group with malicious intentions. I’m not interested in “smashing the patriarchy,” probably because it’s never been very clear to me what “the patriarchy” is, exactly. In casual discourse, it seems to be a convenient stand in for “whatever is bothering the self-declared feminist at the moment.” Sometimes this is a serious issue and sometimes it’s something silly and trivial, and nobody seems to care either way, because, you know, it’s all The Patriarchy, and score points where you can.  Fuzzy terms and concepts are not helpful to me so this is one I can live without.

One reason that I find talk about “the patriarchy” suspect probably has to do with the fact I grew up in a pretty traditional nuclear family. My parents stuck to traditional gender roles far more than I do, especially during my childhood. My mom quit her job when she was married (even before having kids) and didn’t go back to work till I was a teenager. My parents never referred to themselves as feminists, at least not till much much later in life, when they might have in a cheeky way. However, there was NO devaluing of women in my childhood family. Mistakes and misunderstanding, sure, but not systematic disrespect. 

My dad would never allow anyone to refer to my mom as lesser. I was different from my brothers, with different interests and tastes, but there was never an implication that I should accomplish less with my life. Although my mom made the biggest career sacrifice, my dad made them too, and was open and unashamed of it. And when my mom did re-enter the workforce, my dad was very supportive, happily attempting to take on cooking and household tasks (not entirely successfully, but he tried.) The point is, my parents were family-focused. They respected each other and their children on that basis. It wasn’t about being a feminist, or a tyrant, or a selfish asshole. Although I don’t agree with all their values and I don’t want to replicate their life, there is no doubt it was built on something substantial. 

For as long as I can remember considering myself a feminist, I’ve been a “non-conforming feminist.” This means that I take from the body of thinking what makes sense to me, I test it in my life as I see fit, and I note the benefits and the limitations. I have always been happy to fail any real or subjective “are you a real feminist” test because, to hell with that.

So what’s changed now? I guess I want to become or grow into something that is beyond feminism or anything in its orbit. I feel no more personal attachment to the label. I don’t mind talking with feminists or having discussions about things people consider feminist but it’s not a map for where I want to go next.

Self control or lack of

A couple of days ago I wrote up a shopping list. Right at the top were:

• Wine
• Instant coffee

For reasons that I don’t really understand, I bought everything on the list but forgot those two things. I thought about going back for them another day, but I still haven’t.

Instant coffee is my treat of choice after my morning shower on weekdays. I actually prefer it to regular coffee if I’m the only one drinking coffee: less dishes to wash, and weaker so less likely to make me feel sick later. But still familiar and tasty and comfortingly hot. Yes, I am the complete opposite of a coffee snob. On weekends when my husband is home in the mornings, we will make and share a pot of coffee (also a routine I look forward to). 

A daily glass of wine has become a habit since last spring when Covid-19 and work from home impacted society. Although I was certainly not constantly miserable, the breakdown in routines and loss of other fun activities made that glass of wine with dinner a welcome treat. It helped me relax and structure my day. It was never excessive, but my alcohol consumption changed from an occasional treat to an expectation that I planned around (if there was no wine in the house, I felt deprived.) Those statistics you probably have seen about increased alcohol consumption during Covid-19 ? I was one of them.

I blogged a couple of weeks ago on psychiatric medications and issues of dependency. I have had the matter of wine drinking in the back of my mind since. I didn’t write about it specifically, but alcohol dependence was also discussed in the podcast. This is often how I change my mind about things, or start to change it: I’ll hear or read something that gives me a bit of doubt or challenges an assumption in an interesting way. In this case the reminder was to consider what might be becoming a dependency. I don’t think wine is a serious dependency. But still, I would rather deal with it before it is one, and I want to know that I can choose to live without it.

Plus, at least for now, society is more open, there are more opportunities, more chances for experiences, and at the same time more serious questions to consider. I believe that I should not be dulling my wits and perceptions, but sharpening them.

The verdict?

Instant coffee is a go, and the supply will be replaced. But I’m taking an indefinite break from wine, unless I’m out at a restaurant, or at someone’s house, in which case I will have it as a treat.

But of course I’m not going to pretend I am forgoing all pleasures. I’ve indulged myself in other ways. I love Naot shoes and just bought a super comfy pair. I have bought one or two new pieces of clothing recently (supporting local small business, lol) and two necklaces on Etsy. I would rather have these things right now than wine every day. I suppose if I was truly self controlled I wouldn’t be buying more consumer goods at all, but at least I’ve made more of a conscious choice. Self expression, including through fashion feels more positive than making myself fuzzy headed, anyway.

Here’s to a summer of beauty and happiness, in so far as such things can be grasped!

Seeing the familiar through the foreign

Ally Matsoso’s blog The Philosophy of Motherhood is a treasure, and not only for mothers by any means. I enjoy all her writing but her essay Exploration: Know the Place for the First Time is particularly worth recommending. It resonates with me in part because I have been paying particular attention to my neighbourhood and community the past couple of years, and consciously directing my energy into those local relationships (and for the past 6 months, pulling back from social media). It started with the Covid-19 related restrictions on activities but has become a meaningful and rewarding approach to life in its own right.

Ally shares how personal observations and connections made in Africa and around the developing world affected her ideas of meaning and the ways in which we “make a difference.” Living abroad is so eye opening. Tourism is often enjoyable and better than nothing, but living in a different culture and forming relationships and working through the dislocation and challenges of an unfamiliar place is a whole other level. Definitely I would recommend it as an experience undertaken with openness and humility (I think those two things are probably necessary to survive, but certainly they will impact how much you learn.)

Seriously the best thing I am likely to read today, and perhaps you too!

Exploration: know the place for the first time

Lightness of spirit

Some weeks ago I wrote about how the the loss of live music and dance was affecting me. But it’s a funny thing: when you don’t have something, it’s hard to comprehend at all how serious of a loss it truly is.

My province is reopening and a local historical park is offering free outdoor music every week this summer. Of course I plan to go as often as I can. Tonight was the first concert.

It was so, so beautiful. I prepared a picnic supper and we ate and listened, and then my 3 year old asked her dad to dance with her, and he danced with her and her older sister, and I danced. And at the front of the stage couples and friends danced, and a whole family holding hands in a circle. Children rolled and somersaulted down the hill, full of the glee of the moment. The breeze was fresh and warm, and then during the last song rain fell.

My main thought was that I am relearning how to be a sane and decent human being. I don’t think I am a horrible person, and I truly have been trying my best whatever came at me and the people around me. But sitting in the field I felt like I have been some shadow version of my true self, more dragon than human most days.

There is more than one kind of reality: thank goodness for the chance to be relearn and to evolve!

There is no more normal

The COVID-19 news is sounding a bit more positive lately, at least in my area. And so there is a lot of conversation about going back to normal, going back to business as usual. I do try to act normal in my daily life, as much as I can. Being normal has always been a “fake it till you make it” effort for me, anyway. I can present an persona that functions as people expect. I can sympathize with the desire for a calm, predictable, dependable world, and even share it.

However I don’t feel anything like normal, if “normal” presumes a certain level of trust in the social structure and authorities around me. There is less I feel I can take for granted every day. I wake up and go to sleep with an inner and outer watchfulness. I watch others. I watch myself, listening to my own words and actions and wondering, How truthful are you?  Other than the general aim for truthfulness, I don’t always know exactly what I am watching for. Patterns in the underbrush I suppose, movement in the shadows. I go to bed exhausted most nights.

This article by Matt Taibbi does a good job of pulling together many of the stories I have been following the past few months with an increasing sense of uneasiness. It’s been 6 months since my break from Face.book and I’m not at all sorry. There are a few groups and people I miss, because they manage to be positive social ecosystems within the larger negative complex. But investing time in local, personal relationships has had far better results for the time and effort put in. When I want to step outside my parochial worldview, carefully choosing where on the internet I put my attention is far better educationally. I have read more books this year than in any of the previous 5 (and quite possibly cumulatively).  I do a pretty good job of keeping up with podcasts too (though there is always more than I have time for). There is of course the risk of getting into an echo chamber, but all the people I listen to are curious and/or educated people and there is my own extremely high openness to experience, which acts as a counterbalance I think.

I am open, but I also like to know where the boundaries are. There is a line in Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series that I really like. She is talking about being a leader, or maybe about being a man, I forget which. (Doesn’t matter anyway; I have a well integrated masculine side.) It goes something like: “What it really means to be a leader is to draw a line in the sand, and to fight anyone that steps over it.”

2021 is about drawing my lines in the sand. I may put them in the wrong place sometimes; I may be ignorant of many things and make mistakes. I am not interested in convincing anyone of how right I am because I am rarely convinced of that myself. But the lines need to be drawn so I have some way of understanding what is going on when information and/or its suppression is used like a weapon. I have to understand clearly what is real and important to me when propaganda and gaslighting is the order of the day. I have to know who I stand with and what I will and won’t tolerate being done to them. 

I wasn’t sure what to call this post. “There is no more normal” is maybe a bit of an extreme statement. I have calm happy days. I continue (I hope and believe) to be a positive influence. I think what I really mean is: “There is no more normal I take for granted.” In so far as normal exists for me now, it is created through my daily actions, reactions, and sense making. So I do hope I have the strength and the skill to continue to make that happen.

Psychiatric medications

I sometimes feel like the odd one out these days because I don’t take and have never taken psychiatric drugs. No anti anxiety, no antidepressants. I consider myself an anxious person and I think at certain times of my life I was depressed, though it was more episodic and circumstance based than constant. I have seen doctors and counsellors at various points in my life for mental health reasons. But nobody has ever handed me a prescription for anything. I haven’t thought a lot about that over the years, but as I get older and learn more, I am increasingly grateful for my doctors’ forbearance.

Most recently I listened to 

this podcast, The Dangers of Psychiatric Medication.

It was a bit shocking, though not a surprise. Among the issues raised:

• Psychiatric drugs are tested on a short term basis, a month to three months, but most often prescribed indefinitely. Therefore there is little or no evidence they are safe long term;
• Dependency is essentially a given with all drugs, with some leading to dependency quicker. This means that when dosage is reduced or stopped, there are withdrawal symptoms. These symptoms often lead people to believe that they “need” the drug, not realizing they are experiencing withdrawal not their original problem;
• Many people still believe that they have a “chemical imbalance” in their brain, and that taking drugs fixes it. With the possible exception of a few rare conditions, this is simply not true. Brains are highly complex systems and there is no way to simply add a chemical and fix a problem without affecting other parts of the system. Plus mental health problems are usually caused by circumstances, not chemistry. Drugs may be effective if they are used short term to help the person deal with the problem, but this is not often what happens: instead the drug is taken  long term.
• The “chemical imbalance” idea is specifically promoted by commercial interests as it leads to a perceived need for the product

Psychiatric medications are not an area of personal expertise for me (again I am grateful to not have personal experience to add to this discussion!) Nevertheless I see the need to understand better what is going on with the frequent prescribing of these drugs, the fact that an awful lot of people are taking them, and to identify and correct any fallacies that I find.

It also makes more urgent that question: what do you do when life is really tough and you truly struggle to cope? Because life is tough! If I continue to choose not to take any drugs (and this is my plan) I definitely need to keep learning about alternative ways to approach life and its challenges. 

Leaving Neverland

I recently read this excellent article looking at a topic many wonder about: Why are so many people reading and/or listening to Canadian professor Jordan Peterson?

Jordan Peterson is telling young white men what many of us already know: Neverland is a lie.

 I have been listening to and reading a lot of Prof. Peterson’s content since 2017, and have benefited from it greatly. (I am a woman in my early 40s with a family). I’ve also read a lot of “why do people listen to Jordan Peterson!” articles and often “why is it mostly men!” articles, many of which drip jealousy and resentment, and thus explain their own existence if nothing else. I don’t even read those kind of articles anymore, BUT this article by Ms Natthew is very different and makes many excellent points. 

I particularly appreciated the point about how current generations need to make choices about social arrangements and responsibilities  that previous generations could take for granted. This is absolutely a stressor on people and an extremely important issue. And people of my generation and younger (also thinking of myself when younger) likely never articulated to ourselves or had it clearly explained just how big a challenge it is to shoulder responsibility while isolated.

“Moreover, even as we have sought to centralize, routinize and institutionalize many of our familial relationships and friendships, we recognize that our interactions with others are nearly always conscious choices rather than ever-present unconscious realities. For this reason, our responsibilities—professional, marital and parental—are ours alone in a way that was not true for either my Italian-American grandparents or his Liberian ones. Hence no amount of self-awareness or hard work can render us truly fit for the sheer amount of personal responsibility required of anyone trying to be a decent citizen, worker or parent in today’s newly individuated world.

“Enter Jordan Peterson with his now 24 rules, making what was communal, implicit and abstract for my grandparents individual, explicit and specific for me.
“Thus, it is Peterson himself who has noticed that opportunity lurks where responsibility has been abdicated. His resonance with younger people reflects the extreme demands of modern life and the new isolation in which we are expected to meet those demands. It also reflects the failure of our parents and grandparents to prepare many of us for the logistical, psychological and emotional reality that they unwittingly created.”

Matthew also makes the point that JBP resonates more with young (white) men than women because women and some racial minorities already understand his message, but young men are more likely to actually believe they can evade responsibility without consequence.  I tend not to agree with the author that there are more “lost boys” than “lost girls”. There are no shortage of women living alone, struggling with responsibility (and/or avoiding it), seeking relief through medication or retail therapy or whatever. But if our modern world doesn’t necessarily nurture young women, perhaps it caters more to us in the sense that it can repackage and sell our desires back to us.  I would say that if you really want to generalize, it’s not that JBP’s message is not relevant to women, it’s that we are lagging a bit behind in our awareness of its relevance.

Highly recommended read.

Mary Harrington: reactionary feminism

This was a very interesting podcast, although a more abstract line of thought than I usually listen to.

Mary Harrington on Rebel Wisdom: reactionary feminism

I related to Mary and Raven’s discussion of creating “friction” within the information system that constantly motivates you to share, share, share yourself with networks. This same information system  analyzes your desires, repackages them, and then sells them back to you. I like the term “friction:” I have used the term “slowing down” with regards to being more mindful about life online, but friction describes what precedes the slowing down. Friction is questioning, stopping of automatic reactions and processes, thinking slow and imperfect thoughts that can nevertheless at least begin to be individual.

I definitely agree with Mary about keeping smartphones away from my daughters as long as possible (as I type this on my phone) but also about how you have to let go a little bit as a parent and trust yourself to model good relationships and thinking.

Mary also talks about a backlash coming against liberal feminism, from a variety of directions. I do not know how to analyze this, as I’m very pragmatic. I focus on what works for me and my family and I suppose I’m lucky enough to have been able to find a way to think about that throughout my life, even when I was young and naive. I would say as a young woman I was very ignorant but had good instincts. I paid more attention to my own experiences and sensations versus what people or media were telling me I should think and feel. Once I became aware of the difference between the two it was impossible to ignore that the differences were there. Is that reactionary, or did it take me in a reactionary direction? Perhaps.

I know that I turned against things like porn and promiscuity very young. The culture around me was saying I should act on every fantasy I had (or that others had) and this never seemed like a great idea to me. I did not want to have sex with a lot of silly or damaged men (or even a few, or one). I am sure that everyone in my friend group questioned their sexual orientation at one point or other, including me. But on second thought it didn’t seem like a great idea to spend a lot of time pursuing same sex relationships, when such things weren’t really compatible with what I wanted from life. It is inevitable that as a flawed human you will make mistakes and do stupid things. That is not at all the same as doing stupid things on purpose, or telling yourself there is nothing better out there to do in the world.

Anyway, I would like to continue to learn about Mary’s ideas though I will have to do so when I’m awake and fairly aware.

Mere mortals dancing

I found this recent post on Fr. Stephen Freeman’s blog quite gripping:

“Make it so!” vs “Let it be!”

The themes are ones I’ve discussed before, in my own mind and with others. What is truth; to what extent do we control reality; should we be fixated on who does  and who doesn’t have power. More importantly, what sort of power is really worth having and is that the right word for it.

“The truth” is that which is real, that which truly exists. It is the case that some things have more existence than others. Our own existence is tenuous and ephemeral. We seek that which truly exists that we might, through it, have true existence ourselves. We cannot grant existence to ourselves – it comes as a gift from the only truly Existing One.

Recognizing our existence as tenuous and ephemeral is one thing that might lead us to see the value of tradition. Tradition has, from one perspective, attracted me for a long time. The earliest I can remember being consciously aware of this was in my late teens/early 20s, when I participated on a listserv discussion about Cape Breton Celtic music. (Ah, the good old days of the frontier internet.)

Celtic music was enjoying a bit of a popular revival at the time, with appealing, youthful musicians blending traditional instruments, melodies and themes with contemporary ones. All of it was wholesome, truly: you’d have to stretch to find anything subversive or disturbing in it. Nevertheless, on this listserv I first encountered openly the tension between innovation and tradition. It was the first time I met people who unapologetically argued that traditional forms have more value in the long term than popular innovations. This was quite shocking to me, at first. Somehow, all my education, if not my own experience, had reinforced the message that tradition was something you break away from. It had not occurred to me that there was another side to the story, and that kind and intelligent people might believe in it.

The conversation on that listserv was mostly convivial however, and everyone that I recall was friendly and more than willing to talk with willing listeners. Starting with these discussions, I discovered a way to resolve the tension, at least in the realm of the arts. Tradition is a way of preserving something valuable through community. It allows creative people to encounter something meaningful, giving them a direction and a discipline. Truly innovative people should not be discouraged from experimenting (though it doesn’t hurt them to be challenged, either.). But neither is it possible for everyone, or even most, to be innovative geniuses. A healthy tradition will create a few, but they will never be the majority. However, anybody can participate in the tradition: learning it, supporting it,  passing it on to the best of their ability. This participation is just as meaningful in real life as innovation, most of the time. It’s much more meaningful than being part of nothing, that’s for sure.

Once I had articulated this insight, I found a lot of my anxiety about (not) being special, or noticed, or uniquely talented or (yikes!) famous melting away. I could actually enjoy my own creativity more because I wasn’t over-analyzing it. The realization that I could be part, even in a small way, of a tradition that embraced multiple generations, geographies, countries and cultures was amazing. I could be fully myself and more than myself at the same time.

An experience in Scotland when I was 26 catalyzed this idea for me. I was attending a week long music festival, learning step dancing. From my account of that time:

Toward the end of the week, our dance teacher, Frank, went over all the [dance] steps we had learned. Then he solemnly told us to "stop thinking." We aren't just dancing to the music. We aren't just responding to it. We must get right inside it. And to do that, he said, we can't be worrying about what we are doing. Otherwise we are focused on ourselves, and not on the music.

High on endorphins, I wished he would stop making pretty speeches and let us start dancing. But he continued:

"If you relax and let the dance into you, it will teach you. Because I believe music and dancing are much more powerful than mere mortals.

Frank was saying something very similar, if not the same, as Fr. Freeman above. Reality is not something you create. It is discovered, encountered, as a gift.

Frank’s words have stuck with me, as I have continued to dance, write, play music and eventually to teach. I am lucky to sometimes have chances to perform for an audience. Of course this always causes some nervousness. It’s also easy (sadly) to become hyper critical of yourself. After many performances, dancers often start talking obsessively about all the mistakes we made, although these are rarely obvious to those watching and nobody will remember them anyway. It is all self consciousness. But I have found that I can ease the anxiety by remembering Frank’s words. I frame the performance in my mind as an opportunity to share something beautiful I have been given. Dancing with me are unseen generations of people who have transcended time, space and mortality to give me this gift and opportunity. The nerves are there, but I am filled with joy and excitement and I do not have to force a smile for the audience. And if I have practiced and I stay in the moment, I also make fewer mistakes (but regardless, I am part of a long line of people who have made mistakes and danced on).

So that is one side of the story: the attraction to tradition. There is another one too. But this entry has become longer than I expected, so I think I will engage that topic separately. (I do not necessarily know what direction these blog entries will take and often end up writing about something quite different than I originally intended.)