Venting and "Mad as Hell" : a collage

Lately I had a couple of separate online conversations on the topic of anger and "venting", and some useful thoughts came out of it that I want to capture.

I think it's fair to say that there is a lot of....emotion...in our social world today (online, and off). A lot of negative emotion, a lot of frustration. I'm not passing judgment on the emotion itself or the situations causing it. The topic of who does or doesn't "deserve" to be angry is way too complex...if that even is a quagmire worth wading into, of which I'm not at all convinced. But either way, I don't have the attentional energy. I deal with things as they come up, and if I'm not directly involved, I try to give other people's anger a lot of.....space. For that matter, I try to give it space even when I am involved!

The first text is - yes! - another quotation from Diana. I read this and could immediately it to situations in my life:

"I think about the venting thing a lot, because I have moments I really want to just tell the world what I'm thinking and fuck decorum (which means, I think, fuck people's feelings). I've long believed that it's good to vent, but I'm not so sure anymore. That theory seems to be based on what we might call the Teapot Model, where we're like teapots that'll blow our tops if enough steam builds up, and venting is the only thing that will release the pressure.

I've been watching people and thinking about how they behave for a while now, though, and what I've noticed is that those who "vent" stay the angriest. It's almost like their ranting doesn't release the pressure so much as seek confirmation of their opinions which includes the justification of their anger. Venting also draws the approval of those who share one's opinions and anger, which also reinforces the sense that we *should* be angry.

I don't think that bit of received wisdom is right anymore. If there is a net positive to ranting or venting, I have yet to see it." (January 12 2022)

The next thing I read was a question from a friend: "Should we all be mad as hell?" I will leave out the context because honestly, anyone can think of something they could/should be "mad as hell" about. Like, go ahead and think of one....right now.

My friend also mentioned something unpleasant that happened in traffic, which I think is pretty universally relatable. So that was why I included comments on traffic. This is me:

 Traffic stuff terrifies me on a regular basis….though I continue to drive. (Avoiding driving caused such an escalation in my anxiety about it and irrational avoidance that I know that isn’t a good route to go either.) But I think about car accidents every time I get in the car (do other people do this? No idea how normal/abnormal I am) and I do something like pray….albeit not in a very ordered and conscious way, and often with a lot of profanity. I will add you to my driving prayers. Driving is probably THE most obvious example of individual action affecting collective well being, and vice versa (at least in cultures with a rule following ethic).

I’m not entirely sure of the direction of your thoughts in this post, but to address your question “should we all be mad as hell?” There is certainly plenty to be “mad as hell” about, but I’m less certain about manifesting that in the world. The most obvious problem for me is that it’s remarkably easy to be mad as hell, and that there even seems to be an addictive quality to it. By contrast calm people are harder to find, and stepping out of that anger cycle is much harder than stepping into it.

I also see people around me acting mad as hell, including many in cars (terrifying!) but I have no idea what they are mad about and what they imagine they are achieving by it. Perhaps they are mad about the same things I might hypothetically be mad about, and thus we are entirely in sympathy….but I can’t tell. There is no mutual understanding or responsibility.

Also, truthfully, the one thing that almost always alienates me from others is this “mad as hell” thing….for example I had to mute one of my group chats lately, because of the angry tone of the conversation and how people were choosing to express themselves. These are adults I consider kind and responsible, even exceptionally so. I have met them in person. We share a vocation and profession. I am deeply in sympathy with them and their struggles and frustrations, but….it was too much.

Do you (speaking to the person I was responding to) feel abandoned or excluded from the support systems in our society? ….or perhaps they are failing, the institutional ones at least. This is a serious problem. I don’t think anger is the solution, but it might be pointing to something important, something neglected. (January 15th 2022)

The final question is my attempt to find an alternative to shared anger, or to try to treat that anger not as an end in itself, but as a signal or signpost. Certainly, repressing or denying anger is not the (only) way to go, though it might actually the best choice in the moment. But constant anger or frustration is a signal of something that needs attending to. And if we are in a position to do so, perhaps taking some time to investigate is worth it. But, I think it is important to not just mirror back the anger, and if I feel a temptation to join in unthinkingly, well, I probably have to attend to myself first, before doing anything else.

Diana on Persuasion

The following is from my friend Diana (13 January 2022). Diana, as I have mentioned before, is almost the only person I still interact with regularly on social media. And it's because she has thoughtful, respectful discussions with people and then posts things like this as follow up. I am saving it so that I always have it to refer to. I feel like a New Year's Resolution or Intention might emerge from this, once I have mulled it over a bit more.

If I don't perceive a disagreement to be an argument, it isn't. It's just another person with a difference of opinion.

Also, I have the choice to argue back. If I reject that opportunity, there's no argument, no matter what choices the other person makes. It takes two to tango; all I have to do is decline the invitation.

Yesterday, I posted this thought and several conversations evolved from it. It immediately became clear that I should have clarified what sort of "argument" I had in mind.

The type of argument I was thinking of specifically in that OP was not the academic type (a statement or series of statements for or against something), nor the respectful disagreement type (which I'm obviously not opposed to at all), nor what I might call the agreement type (where I'm providing yet another reason we both believe X is true, say).

What I had in mind was what we mean when we say things like, "I don't want to argue about it!" or "you always have to argue with me!" This colloquial use implies contentiousness of some sort. It implies disagreement that is more bent on winning* than it is on understanding one another and exploring new ideas--which I contend is the way we should always strive to approach disagreement.

I've found that when someone believes a thing strongly enough to make bald claims about it, responding even with "I disagree" is a losing strategy, because what that person feels is that you are about to attack a belief that is important to him. Even saying "I respectfully disagree" is functionally little better than saying "You're / That's wrong / false," because either way, now it's on.

I tried "I disagree" for a long time, thinking it showed respect and if the person took offense anyway, that just couldn't be helped or that was their problem, something like that. Except, (first) if my goal was to get them to consider my point of view, it was in fact *my* problem. And (second) if I was telling myself "that couldn't be helped," that was just my excuse to continue to do the thing I knew had a high probability of failure, because I already knew it tended to make people intractable and even angry with me. It was as dumb as if I'd continued to walk up to cornered wildcats saying "I don't mean you any harm" and getting torn up as a result then writing it off with, "Well, I tried. It isn't my fault that cat didn't understand I was friendly."

If I'm already telling myself "if they respond poorly, that isn't my problem," I'm admitting I already know I've chosen a losing strategy. I was just making excuses because I enjoyed the battle and liked feeling superior and I liked the kudos I got from like-thinkers. I wanted those feelings more than I wanted to communicate effectively with that person about an idea I wanted them to consider, at least.**

Because that's how people change their minds. I don't just give them a logical argument about why this worldview is right and that one is wrong and they hear it and say, "Well, the logic adds up. I guess I was wrong. Whaddayaknow." None of us do that. And we shouldn't. And despite the fact that we tend to regard people as stupid for not hearing our claims and being convinced they are true, just like that, the fact is that this slowness to change our minds about important ideas is *smart*. You have a thing that's worked all right so far to fend off the chaos. After all, you've survived up 'til now, at least. You should be very careful that the thing you're asked to trade it for is as good, let alone better. You have to carry the new ideas around for a while and see how they work out. You have to do beta testing. This is all *smart*. So the next time you make an argument for why there is or isn't a god, say, remember what you're expecting people to do--something that defies physics, basically.

The really important stuff isn't about constructing an argument like a wall that a person just has to see and acknowledge its truth. Never. The really important stuff is gathering ideas and examining them over time and finding that this way of seeing things makes more sense than that one I used to use. It's planting seeds and growing a forest.

Once you realize that the stuff we really want to argue about are not simple beliefs but entire worldviews, and worldviews shift not like baseballs but like planets, that it's about planting seeds, then you see the futility of offering unsolicited opinions that people are wrong. You start looking for how to plant seeds, for which you will require fertile soil.

And how do you make the soil of a personal relationship fertile? You show respect to that person. You believe in the good in them and you establish rapport. You try to understand how they see the world and why--charitably, because I guarantee you they do what they do and believe what they do from the same set of morals you yourself appeal to in claiming your own superiority. You treat them like a friend and regard them as a friend, even if they don't regard you as one--yet. And when you have enough mutual respect that the relationship can sustain exploration into important matters, you go there together by mutual consent--as it has to be. If at any point you find yourself regarding them as your pupil, you've stumbled from the cultivated path into rocky territory, undoing all that work you put in to fertilize the soil.***

I don't see any benefits to the kind of arguments we all are referring to when we say someone started an argument with us (most of us aren't keen to take responsibility, even if it did all start when they hit us back). It's a fight, which is exactly the opposite of what sorts of things change our own minds.

* It's easy to spot when someone is more bent on winning than understanding because that's where you find your logical fallacies, from all forms of red herrings (personal attacks of all forms being ever popular) to mathematical mistakes (formal fallacies) and everything in between, and that includes all of us smart people. Fallacy generation seems to be almost entirely a result of people having a preferred conclusion for which they are seeking proof (evidence or arguments of any kind that seem to bolster it)--that is, they are reasoning backwards and when reasoning doesn't work right that way. When you try to reason backwards, you logic bad.

** That was originally one of my motivations because, I think, that was the mindset I was coming from and you don't shake that overnight. Now I find more and more that learning what they know and why they think like they do is the best reason to take this approach.

*** This is where the metaphor ends, as I recommend against using manure to fertilize the soil of friendship. It has to come from a genuine place.

Fish

Going to be a dream bore again….

I dreamed last night that for whatever reason my family had several jars of water and we had live fish in them. The fish started out small, but then were really doing quite well and growing.

I noticed one evening that one of the jars had a particularly corpulent fish in it. This fish was much too big for its jar, so much so that it could barely turn sideways. It spent most of its time poking its jaws out of the water, mouthing at air. It was also quite obviously trying to jump out of the jar (but struggled to do so).

“That fish!” I exclaimed to my husband. “It’s going to jump out of the jar! What do we do!”

I was really quite frightened of this fish, and its obvious…well…fish-ness. I didn’t want to walk away or leave it in case it jumped out when I wasn’t there. A large dead fish on the floor was an obvious problem, but a live active fishy fish was also a problem. What to do with it? A bigger jar? Put it in the bathtub? It was also so full of life, it was clearly wrong to keep it confined in a jar.

So what does it mean? I haven’t had any specific inspiration for New Year’s, but how about this: find the big fish in my life a river to thrive in.

2021: How it was different

 A little over a year ago, I wrote a post here called 2021: what will be different.

It was more a question than a statement, as the future swirled in a newly revealed chaos before me, and all I knew for certain was that some things were going to change, had to change: old habits and practices were not good enough anymore.

So I thought it would be interesting to revisit that entry, and write down what I actually did differently this past year.

Less social media in my life.

The only social media I’ve ever used was Face.book. And that was time waster enough, that’s for sure. But recently, I have been thinking of its more sinister aspects.

Almost exactly a year ago a close family member was mobbed on Face.book and Google as part of a "cancellation" attempt. It was shocking, vile and ugly, and was the most urgent impetus behind my "things much change" mentality (though plenty of other motivations of a less obvious nature were also present).

I stopped most of my Face.book activity in early January. I deleted the app off my phone, and I have posted almost nothing there for a year. I used to share photos and articles and personal updates regularly, and interact with several people. My activity now is limited to my friend Diana's page, my dance group, and some conversations on Messenger.  I have made an exception for Diana because she and the standards of her page are truly extraordinary, and I find the interactions there stimulating, encouraging and helpful. My dance teacher posts videos of steps we are learning in our private class group, which I enjoy using for practice. 

The Messenger app allows me to private message my contacts, and to see their Face.book pages if I choose. The differences between using Messenger and using the full Facebook app are significant: 1) I have to decide to look at people's pages, which means I think about them and my own motivations before reading their content. 2) No newsfeed (therefore no pushed content, ads, etc.)  3) No notifications 4) Messenger is less convenient and easy to use therefore I have to think more about using it.

I have not therefore completely eliminated my social media use, and I don't plan to close my account at this point. I really don't like deleting my content, so I would have a hard time doing that, even though I have everything backed up. But I feel like I have solved the worst problems social media was causing me and have retained most of the benefits. So I'm happy for now.

I have been reading more books lately. I think I shall be doing more reading this year.

I am super happy to report that yes, I sure did read more books! I was trying to figure out with my husband yesterday which books I have read, and it took a few minutes to remember them all! The count stands at 7 completed (update: now 8). Which is quite a few more books than I read last year, and last year's were all audio books and/or re-reads.

2021 list:

Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life (Dr. Jordan Peterson)

Cynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship made everything about Race, Gender and Identity: and How this Harms Everyone (James Lindsay and Helen Pluckrose)

A Hunter-Gatherer's Guide to the 21st Century: Evolution and the Challenges of Modern Life (Heather Heying and Brett Weinstein)

Live Not By Lies: A Manual for Christian Dissidents (Rod Dreher)

Everywhere Present (Father Stephen Freeman)

Laurus (Eugene Vodalazkin)

Welcome to the Orthodox Church (Frederica Matthews-Green)

The Aviator (Eugene Vodolazkin) I thought this one would be on 2022’s list, but I finished it New Year’s Eve.

Even better, I blogged about some of these books! (Hyperlinked). Writing about what I read is time consuming and challenging intellectually but definitely improves my understanding, recall and ability to discuss the books with other people. It’s something I will try to continue to do as much as I can.

Most of the books I read were non fiction, but Laurus and The Aviator were fiction and the first time in a while I have enjoyed contemporary fiction. 

I would like to spend more time in conversations, with people whose opinions I respect. I would like to write more, not just the impulsive, performative way I engaged with social media.

I feel reasonably successful in this area. There is a trade off perhaps between conversations with many people and conversations with a few, but I felt the need for quality over quantity. And to do that, you need to start by prioritizing quality. How to do that?

 For me, it has meant sacrificing, to some degree, attention from others. I can post something silly on Face.book and get a lot of reaction and response. This blog, by contrast, doesn’t get a ton of hits. I’m not in fact sure anyone reads it if I don’t ask them to (which I’m quite willing to do.)  But when I do get a comment, it’s very thoughtful and I actually learn from it. And maybe one day there will be more interaction here, who knows.

It needs to be said though, that creating community around thoughtful inquiry is difficult. It’s not just me; I see plenty of other people trying to do something similar and not getting a lot of interaction. It’s not a reflection of the quality of their work or their good intentions. It’s just hard to find the attention for everyone, even those who actually deserve it. I am not quite sure what is the solution. I feel like it has something to do with meaning being best pursued in community. There is only so much you can do on your own. But on your own is likely better than a fake community or one that isn’t bringing out the best in you.

Apart from that, I do think expressing my thoughts in long form here makes me a better in person conversationalist. I can better transfer ideas across domains when I spend time considering and writing about them. Instead of having this parallel online life, my time online actually is serving me better. 

I would like to be less agreeable…I don’t want to be a jerk. But….I’ve been standing my ground more and saying “No” instead of always trying to make peace and compromise.  Although I like to avoid conflict I find I learn a lot from it too, and I want to get better at accepting that not everybody will like me and I am a capable and worthwhile person despite that.

Definitely, this is a work in progress. But, I think it is has been a worthwhile thing to keep in mind. It is a fine line because, as we hear over and over, people are “polarized” and it feels like there is a kind of gleefulness in conflict. There is pleasure in pointing out “I am not like you, and you are inferior to me.” I don’t want that kind of conflict. It feels silly and predictable, and ultimately pointless. But if I have done the work to perceive and act out certain patterns in reality, and those patterns move in some opposition to other ones, well, I am striving to be okay with that kind of conflict. I don’t want to go along for the sake of going along.

It’s also important, as I implied in my statement, to continue to try to frame things as a learning experience. Learning keeps us humble. I have been trying to leave behind the attitude that my actions can or should control outcomes in the world. I can act with good intention, but it is hopeless arrogance to think that I somehow command the consequences of that action in the world, like some demigod middle manager.

Voting is a good example of this in action. For whatever reason, there has been a lot of pressure and posturing around voting the past few years. People like to remind everyone that they voted and sometimes (though not always) that they voted for a certain person or party. They say things like voting is one of the most important things you can do. (I disagree completely.) When a particular party wins, there is a celebration among those that voted for them and a (mostly unrealistic) discussion of a new era to be begun: an era of change if it is a (supposedly) progressive party, or of undoing mistakes, if a (supposedly) conservative party. 

It’s like the winners have a moment of amnesia where they forget they are still living beside people who didn’t vote for their party, and they still have to wake up the next day and talk and work with them. Then inevitably, a few weeks or months on, it becomes obvious that the government is not going to be able to do exactly what it promised, or that there is opposition to the plan that is not easy to overcome. Or perhaps the government is not precisely what it promised to be. Then there is a lot of theatrical anger and disappointment. Usually this anger is taken out on the politicians: they become a scapegoat, blamed and punished for being inadequate  or not what they claimed to be.

 This is all so predictable it is laughable, and yet many people still insist on acting as if each election will be different, that they have truly done something special by voting for a certain person or party. I don’t even much care anymore if people act this way, but I absolutely do not like to be pressured to behave in such a fashion myself. I vote, but I will not brag or even talk much about who I vote for because I know it is highly likely I am making a mistake. Furthermore, I do not consider myself responsible for the actions of whom I vote for, good or bad, nor do I hold others responsible for the same (though I would hope they try to learn from mistakes.)

I have said to a few people this year that I would like to find a candidate, of any party, who would say something like this on their platform:

“This is my best understanding of how to serve you. I know my information is incomplete and I am making mistakes and I will make more in the future, but I truly am doing my best and will attempt to explain why I choose such and such policy. I know that I do not perceive everything and therefore I will listen to and collaborate in good faith with people who are different from me. I apologize in advance for everything I will mess up and ask for your patience and forgiveness.”

If such a person exists, he or she would probably have my vote for life. But, well, I’m not holding my breath. (There was ONE candidate in our recent municipal election who used the word “humble” in his platform, so that’s something. He was not elected, of course.)

 I try to remind myself that I am alway potentially wrong or making a mistake. This doesn’t mean I won’t act or even that I torment myself with doubt, because I don’t, for the most part. I just do what makes sense and accept it might be wrong. It’s much easier to do this when I give up that need to control or micromanage reality, interestingly enough.

Anyway, I have written a lot more than I intended about politics and elections and things I don’t even care about that much, but on the topic of conflict, this is an attitude that conflicts with much of the current attitudes around me, and I’m cool with that.

I will sign off now. In a few days perhaps, I will write a sequel entry of what I hope for 2022. 

December (not so) randomness

After a long autumn, the snow has fallen and stayed on  the ground and the mercury is dropping (not that reading the temperature has anything to do with mercury anymore, in my case. I look at my smart phone.)

Today, I was supposed to take part in my stepdance group’s first (small) performance since January of 2020. But I am coming down with my youngest daughter’s cold, so I bowed out. Disappointing, but it was fun to anticipate and to practice for and there will be other opportunities (I hope).

There is one friend on Facebook, Diana, whom I still regularly interact with. Basically she is the only one. She is an unusually kind, humble, approachable, and intellectual person who holds her page, and herself, to very high standards. It’s like a Socratic classroom (with funny memes).

One of the recent memes was “Mankind wasn’t meant to work in December. We were meant to hide from wolves, drink, and pray our autumn harvest will last us through the Dark Months.”

I couldn’t agree more. I am very grateful for my job, and for the fact I have this opportunity to do something positive in the world. But at the same time, I would like nothing better than to sit on the couch and crochet for the rest of the month, and possibly well into January. Based on observations of the people around me, it’s not just me with these feelings.

I have started crocheting again, almost obsessively, after not having interest in yarn crafts for months….years? My co-teacher started a community knitting / crochet meet up group (almost by accident), and so I became involved. Then I bought a book of Harry Potter crochet patterns with the intent to inspire my eldest daughter. They are rather too complex for an absolute beginner, however, so I decided to make one, then two, from the book before giving it to her for Christmas. And so it goes. Now making deals for bootleg bargain yarn, seeing patterns in my mind…..all of it.

My co-teacher’s success with the meet-up group inspired me to try again to reach out to a church. I had tried previously but not gotten a response to my email. Maybe I used the wrong address, who knows. But since she used Facebook to start her group, I decided impulsively to try using the church’s  FB page. It had not occurred to me to even try FB because I have been avoiding it mostly due to last year’s very negative experiences, discussed elsewhere. But I actually did get a response this time, and at 10pm, two minutes after I messaged (which slightly freaked me out). Apparently social media reaches everywhere.

The message was what I had been looking for, which was “you would be very welcome.” And “please ask if you have any questions!”

Do I have questions about going to a church? I mean…probably. Obviously, yes.  But the only one that really matters right now is: how do I start? And this is the question I haven’t been able to answer in two years, so I keep hesitating, even though at this point there is no going back, either. Maybe it’s cliche, but I’m not totally in control of this process anymore. Something is trying to speak through me, and it’s going to keep trying, I know it is.

But the negotiations (with family) and logistical calculations to actually attend a service in person  haven’t happened. (I did mention it as an intent/wish, so that’s something.) Finally, because the church I contacted does also have an online option, I tried watching parts of a prerecorded service. Again, not really what I want or imagined doing but it’s something to start with. I sort of listened to the words, but it will take a while to get used to the Orthodox chant: it sounds weird to my ear, which expects either spoken word or singing, not some hybrid of the two. But I enjoyed watching the worshippers approaching the icons, crossing themselves, each doing their thing. It looked very relaxed. And then another thought popped into my head, another “answer” to the questions I can’t even fully articulate.

I would like, one day, to be as relaxed and unself-conscious as those people when it comes to Christianity/God/the sacred. I would like it to just be a part of my verbal and non verbal language in that way. That’s what this is really about. Sure, it would be nice to have all sorts of intellectual and metaphysical insights. But I don’t have a ton of expectations there. Mostly, I want my everyday moments and experiences to be part of a system of meaning. I need the language to understand them that way. I mean, I kind of already have the understanding, or the beginnings of it; but I lack the words. And without the words, the language, I can’t take it any further.

Diana, my gifted friend, posted a very profound question the other day: “What should I give myself for Christmas?”

She went on to specify that she didn’t mean things that could be bought, but something like a commitment to adopt a habit that may be a chore day to day, but that would make her happier and more fulfilled in the long run. A permanent change in diet, to read a real book an hour every day, that sort of thing. “If you were going to give yourself such a Christmas present—assuming you regard yourself as someone you love enough to make the commitment to—what would yours be?”

Someone did point out that that it seems to be another way of asking for a New Year’s resolution, but I like this frame so much better. There is a sort of shaming involved in the New Year’s resolution, an implication that you are not currently doing enough. Which may be true, but it misses the love that Diana’s question makes explicit. Personally, I find the winter months (January/February)  so challenging that I have zero motivation to push myself beyond the basics of trying to survive. Don’t even talk to me about resolutions or goals till March or April! But this idea of giving yourself a present….yes. This is a perfect question.

And I immediately knew my answers. One was yes, to try attending a church. To start. The other was to get winter tires. Which is a thing, so not exactly fulfilling the requirements of the question, but I thought of it as giving myself the gift of less stress every day.

So there you have it. Winter. Gifts. Christmas. Still working on the best Christmas gift of all, the one that will keep giving.

You are the entertainment

I don’t usually read too much into my dreams. But this one seemed rather apropos of….life in general?

In my dream I was organizing an elaborate house party. I don’t recall what the occasion was, but whatever it was, I was all in! I had hired a bunch of artists to transform the house into a theatre. There were people building a stage, setting up lights and sound, and planning make up. They were a wild and creative bunch, and I was excited by the unconventional energy.

 I had also invited a lot of people who had agreed to come, but what didn’t seem to be clear to them (despite repeated explanations) was the role they were to play in this production. It wasn’t so much a sit down event: everybody had a part to play. I was excited, but as the preparations went ahead, the excitement in general seemed to be lacking and tension was growing.

At one point I was trying again to explain things to my brother. (Poor guy, it’s not his fault he was featured in my crazy dream!) All he would say to me was: “I like to sit in the front, on the left hand side.” He even showed me a diagram showing his preferred seat.

“No!” I exclaimed, exasperated. “Did nobody tell you?  You are the entertainment!!”

That landed like a lead balloon.

The next thing I knew, the stage crew was taking down the stage, the costume and make up people were leaving….someone had called everything off. “But….couldn’t we do something small….an open mic event?!” No….no takers. The artists, I was told, had figured out that no one really wanted to be there, and decided to cut their losses and leave. “But of course I would have paid you, no matter what happened!” I said to them, crushed. It made no difference.

I then woke up, relived that my disappointing dream hadn’t happened, but also vaguely uneasy. It’s true, after all, or I believe it is: we are the entertainment. It feels like, with Covid etc., that there is supposed to be an possibility to…..opt out of life? But there really isn’t, ever. There is no substitute for showing up,  acting out a story with other people.

Anyway. I am lucky, I suppose, that my life doesn’t actually lack drama, the good kind I mean. I don’t care for artificial drama. But there’s always a challenge, something to match my wits against, a mix of personalities to deal with, and yes…..costumes (no boring or ugly clothes for me!)

Dang it though, it could have been a very good dream party….

A childhood memory of music

I was driving home from my stepdance class today our local radio station was playing classical music as they usually do weekday evenings. As a piece of music wrapped up they said it was Mario Bernardi conducting.

This immediately recalled my childhood when we would go to the orchestra frequently and Mario Bernardi was the conductor. I spent quite a few hours looking at the back of his head, if I wasn’t looking up at the ceiling or at the organ. Back then classical concerts were more formal and I do not recall ever hearing Bernardi speak. Nowadays the conductor is also a sort of PR representative for the orchestra and will turn around between pieces and talk to the audience about the music. But as a child I was left entirely to my own imagination, which was quite up to the task of keeping me entertained with my own interpretations of what I heard.

I hadn’t thought about Bernardi in years however, and my first thought was that he must be dead, and to feel a sense of belated loss at the thought. He did in fact pass away in 2013, after a lifetime of musical achievement and honours. He was born in 1930, eight years before my dad, and would have been in his 50s when I saw him on stage.  He was married, had one daughter born in 1969, and two grandsons.

There is a kind of existential terror in the realization that I’m slowly outliving the icons of my childhood. One, it’s a reminder of my mortality. But even more poignantly, it’s the realization that whatever they were going to pass on to me, they now have, and their role has ended, and I’m left with whatever I can remember, interpret, pass on. This is really very humbling, especially as I can still quite clearly recall being the daydreaming child in the concert hall, and most days, I don’t feel a great deal cleverer either. I’m mostly just the same person, getting lost in the music.

I suppose, if I want to quantify all the ways music has affected me, the list would look something like this:

—I have danced all my life, and consider it a key part of my identity;

—I did join an amateur concert band as an adult, and those experiences were key to me becoming, shall we say, a reasonably functional adult (I put most of my angst aside; I learned to be happy and belong) I haven’t kept up my music since having kids, but I still benefit in the big picture from the experience.

—Until recently I attended live music regularly, including classical

—I encourage my children to dance and play music 

I guess that is pretty decent. A life that is worthwhile , and not dull (at least to me!), and touched by beauty and meaningful patterns is an appropriate appreciation of this man who shared his art with me, a child way up in the second balcony.

I liked this interview: a bit of his personality comes through. 

An interview with Mario Bernardi